Trying to be less lonely in the aloneness : evening reflections

Spending most of our time alone I am coping at the moment.. I get overcome with sad moments.. Today it was watching the movie Instant Family in which three children are fostered and as the foster parents struggle bonds are formed, often amidst great conflict and angst, it struck me again how many broken attachments I had in my own life and the strange push pull dynamics that beset me at times.. My body started to manifest some strange pulls then, either before or after the tears..

I had to get groceries and it is super hot here this afternoon. I was not sure I had the energy but my energy is often deceptive that way, once I get out I enjoy to be around people at the center even if I don’t stay long and I gain energy from getting going.. But on returning home the inner critic always gives me a bit of grief.. figuring out meals at times is a challenge and I try not to waste too much food but my house is always a bit too messy for my inner critic… This afternoon I got some chicken drum fillets and I have marinated them and made up a coleslaw to have with them…

My head is aching a little this afternoon. I don’t want to drive myself sad or mad with any thoughts.. The ancestors are always on my mind at this time of day as yesterday I was reading through a letter one of our New Zealand relatives sent to my second cousin a number of years ago about the abuse that used to go on around dinner times when our Great Great Grandfather came home drunk from the pub. Even if Mum and Dad were busy and remote at times I never lived with that level of violence though it was always hard to relax around Mum and we were constantly having to keep things tidy.. It is a gift when I can allow myself to relax like this afternoon.. Just let go, kick back and watch a movie. I am actually enjoying the aloneness at this time of day even if at times I feel sad.

Scott and I had a lovely long text this morning.. it is difficult though despite his constant reassurances he is going to be coming home soon, I still have my reservations and doubts, but he always reminds me of gratitude… . I am accepting my life as it is now.. I do think of my sister and her family every day.. I hope they are having some good bonding time at the coast house.. It would be so nice to be by the ocean and I will be able to go down when they leave I hope, maybe close to my birthday….I tear up a bit even thinking of this.. Times have changed since Mum died.. I accept she is gone.. everything changes and moves on, that is just the way life goes.

I know my life is constantly evolving and we are due for an energy shift over the next two days anyway.. its dark of the Moon time right now and we have a New Moon in Capricorn on the 13th of January, and the next day Uranus turns direct at 6 degrees of Taurus.. This New Moon will also conjunct Pluto so the ending of a year long Pluto Sun cycle is with us this week as the exact conjunction with the Sun takes place a day after the New Moon… this is a kind of energetic New Year… .so its good to be in the letting go right now as we shed old things and set our intention for the ways we may like to expand and deepen our lives over the coming year.

3 thoughts on “Trying to be less lonely in the aloneness : evening reflections

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