I love Glennon Doyle’s take on the Knowing.. This is a way of her expressing that inner source of and connection to soul truth that deeply lives inside of her and connects her both to a higher power as well as guiding her next steps forward.
These are the words I read in her book Untamed this morning while crying in therapy. They came to mind a moment ago reading a fellow blogger’s sobriety recovery story..
I wrote myself a new memo about what it means to have strong faith. To me, faith is not a public allegiance to a set of outer beliefs, but a private surrender to the inner Knowing. I stopped believing in middlemen or hierarchy between me and God. I went from certain and defensive, to curious, wide-eyed, and awed; from closed fists, to open arms; from the shallow to the deep end. For me, living in faith means allowing to burn all that separates me from the Knowing so that one day I can say: I and the Mother are one.Glennon Doyle, Untamed
I experienced that source of the Mother many times at my lowest point following the head injury of 2005 after I returned to the coast house Dad build before all the trauma of 1979 to 1985 went down for me and my family. At times there I heard destructive almost devilish voices that wanted me dead but I also experienced this loving maternal source.. When I read the words of others who connect inwardly and channel their link to this force they resonate with me..
Today I am reminded by Glennon that there is a ground and source within me which lies deeper than the surface. It has the power to encompass both the depths and highs as well as the widths and breadths of all I have struggled with in my life. It can also connect me across several ancestral levels as I sense the resonances between unfolding flows of energies past and present..and the playing out of family cycles especially as the concern themes of attachment, separation, loss and buried feelings..
It is interesting to me I underwent three of my six termination of pregnancy around this time of year, the first in 1983, the third in 1985 and the 5th in 1991. This was the time of year my maternal ancestors were on the boat migrating and travelling with 4 small children. The first baby of Thomas and Eliza Trudgeon, Eliza Jane never survived after they finally made it to New Zealand in March 1875, she died on the 12th of April that year just one month and one day after the ship Thomas and Eliza left the United Kingdom on, the Dilaharee arrived in Lyttleton. The second baby Eliza Jane (our maternal great great grandmother’s namesake) born 3 years later in 1878 died in 1879 on my second sister’s birthday… 19th Feburary. Our maternal Great Grandmother the third Eliza Jane was born on the 7th of July 1882.
I am also aware that our maternal great great great great Grandfather William Trudgian also lost six children before he died in 1835. I was a bit gobsmacked when this information found its way to me through someone from the UK that I met here in Canberra at the dog park of all places in around 2015. In chatting about family history she mentioned a relative Grace Bone, this was such an unusual name I immediately recognised it and we made the connection.. About six months later after meeting a couple of times she gave me the printed out information that listed all the births and deaths of William Trudgian’s 11 children. When I read of the six deaths last year (as I had not read the info through before) something clicked.
My sister Judith who died in 2014 as the result of so much addiction struggle and trauma was a big fan of the Poldark novels.. This is another piece of synchronicity as they are set in Cornwall and Jude had no clue at that time (the 1970s) that our Mum’s ancestors came from the parish of St Stephen in Branell in Cornwall. Jude would be the one in our family who manifested the trauma that Thomas our GG Grandfather enacted through his addiction which eventually led him to become abusive to both his wife and children.. Eliza finally left Thomas some time after 1895 prior to this they endured many years of depression and struggled to feed their family.
Anyway along with the Inner Knowing that Glennon speaks of and I have felt myself come the whispers of ancestral voices at times.. and then those moments when fate (or the angels or our Higher Power) intervenes to put us in touch us with someone connected to our journey.. So it was when I met Claire at the dog park and she shared the information with me about my Great Great Grandfather’s Grandfather William.
My father’s family name was Willemsen.. which I learned on a visit to Greece in 1986 actually means son of William.. truth may be stranger than fiction but there are threads that can interweave in any family story in so many ways..
There is more to the take on an Inner Knowing that just these kinds of ancestral connections for sure as for each of us the Inner Knowing has different things to say. However I do find it intriguing that such insights into past themes can come to us.. my sobriety journey in time led me to the UK and back again three times.. I still cry at times when I see any program about the UK as I feel the Inner Knowing both of my connection to that place as well as the emotional ties of past lost loved ones surging inside me that echoed along generations and led to both my older sister’s and my own struggles with addiction.