I had a clear memory come back to me this morning while my body was going through its morning spirals and as I struggled to wake and move out of a detailed dream. It was of a January day I went on a picnic with my house mates to the bush and ate a pickled onion and started to feel ill and then threw up. It was such a powerful vivid memory. I now know this was the start of morning sickness.. I had fallen pregnant to my boyfriend Jim and later that month I would decide to have a termination of pregnancy I hid from everyone but he and my friend Jayne. This was a tough time as a few weeks later Jim and I traveled north to meet with some friends of his. We had an argument as I was very emotional (not yet knowing I was pregnant.) I got out of the car and he drove off and left me in a busy place alone 1100 miles from home.. There were no mobile phones in those days (this happened in 1983). He just disappeared and so I had to call on strangers for help to phone Mum and Dad and they sent me the money somehow to get the train home..
Today this all connected back to Venus in Taurus with Uranus asoecting my Moon (the awakener of memories and imprints on it.) In meditation the other Dad said how much the worry over what both Judy and I underwent from 1979 and 1980 onward troubled him and I saw today how it was connected to his own wounded inner feminine (Dad had Venus in Libra square Pluto in Cancer and opposing Chiron in Aries.) My Dad had to fight for a sense of value through making a material success of his life.. He left his homeland, Holland behind in 1938 at the age of 18 on the brink of Nazism occupation and only ever went back a couple of times. He turned his back on his sisters but his younger brother eventually followed him out to Australia where Dad ended up after serving in the Dutch East Indies Airforce and meeting my Mum on a trip to collect B52 bombers from Australia in 1941.
Dad was very tough on us two girls.. We were both bright and wanted to study at Uni, Judith wasnt allowed so had to do nursing, I got aborted with my studies following my 1979 crash and Judy’s aneurysm which happened the following year in 1980 when I was undertaking my first year of teaching studies at college.. Dad once told Mum I was too intelligent to be a teacher but when I derailed in 1981 and wanted to back to college he would not let me.. I had to go to secretarial college. It was then I got involved with drugs and met Jim and I was pretty much stoning to cope with the two terminations i had to him, as even after he abandoned me in 1983 I took him back and fell pregnant to him again in 1984 in September just a few months before my father was diagnosed with cancer of the stomach.
Dad and I argued over Jim on the last night he ever spent at home after complications from the earlier operation. He was taken back into hospital on 24 December 1984 and died on 8 January 1985. I never got to say goodbye as on the last night I had had shots as I was to be meeting Jim who had left for overseas in India and we were to travel on to the UK and Greece. Jim ended up breaking it off with me after Dad died telling me (over the phone at 4 am) that he didn’ t love me and wanted me not to come to meet him in India. When Mum heard this she pushed and pushed me to go on alone. My addiction got so much worse over there, I fell pregnant again on the first anniversary of Dad dying in Switzerland.. .. and that was such an utterly bleak time.. My two friends had left me a month befoe to go back to Belgium to find work as I had found a job as a secretary through a woman we met called Heidi who was an alcoholic.. When I had the termination Heidi (who I was living with and depending upon) left me alone at the hospital and decided to not come and pick me up.. when I rang her in a distressed state she screamed at me “I am not your fucking mother” she was drunk at the time as normal. I waited in the snow for the bus and then on getting home curled up on my little mattress in the spare room and wept and wept and wept.
Sadly three terminations followed as part of my emotional neglect/trauma/addiction story.. I am not proud of this but I also know on some level it was a responsible act for me to chose not to bring a baby into this world. It hurt my ex husband I know and I will always be sad as the final one I had was shortly after getting sober in the first few months of our marriage.. i never fell pregnant again, sadly.
When I went for my first interview to find a Jungian therapist in Cambridge, shortly after my ex husband and I moved there in 1999 the lady in question heard these stories and spoke to me about soul/child murder.. As I look back and knowing what I now know a lot longer down the path I know I was a mistake and that Mum didnt want to be at home to care for me at all. Dad treated me as an afterthought.. though I was told all the time they loved me, things I asked for (to go to boarding school where I could be with other kids and not lonely at home with emotionally and physically absent parents), a horse or a dog were all pooh poohed or treated as a joke so it wasn’t really a wonder that I got arrested in my development as well as in my sense of confidence and value (Venus square to Neptune.) I also failed to develop a sense of agency in my own life..
It is a relief to unpack all of this in my blog today.. I sensed deeply today that Dad’s sickness in the aftermath of my two terminations (which I hid from Mum and Dad) as well as my older sister Judith’s painful struggle of abandonment in the aftermath of her haemorraghe were in some way related. In many ways, on an energy level Dad truly was like the mythic figure of the miller in the Handless Maiden tale.. he forgot what was of value..( the inner being and tender feminine feelings as well as masculine desires and drives of two beautiful daughters) Judy and I carried this legacy of his own disconnection from his family and his millionaire migrant project to escape trauma and ‘better himself’. And we both came badly unstuck, Judy dying in 2014 after years spent in a home, while her four sons all struggle in different ways and were never even recognised in my mother’s will.. This tragic fact that I want to set right in some small way is awful to me, very very, wrong, painful and neglectful.
My other sister and brother bonded with Mum and Dad respectively becoming involved in family businesses.. Judy had the haemorraghe after she came home to try and compete in the late 70s.. I made the mistake of coming back in 2001 and then 2011 but it was not a mistake as nothing is a mistake, just all part of my path of being a person in this collective of which I was a part.. We are the outgrowths of the cells of the beings of both father (Sun/Mars) and mother (Moon/Venus) we carry these multigenerational streams and oceans inside.. its complex so complex but not an impenetrable mystery.. We are the continuations and what happens to our souls, beings and bodies out of the parents unconsciously carried stuff is part of something with complex roots reaching back.. Yes we make choices but they cannot always be conscious and ‘failing’ is all part of the way things try to get made conscious..
Today I got a far deeper insight into what forces ended up taking my father ‘out’ at the age of 64 in 1985. My grief has not been without meaning but it is not the last word.. I owe it to my Dad now to make something far far better of my life..
On this thread of thought : Last night I watched an episode of Ahn Doh’s Brush With Fame in which he interviewed while painting terrorist bomb explosion victim/survivor Gill Hicks.. It is one of the most inspiring pieces of television I have seen in a long time.. In the program she speaks of how she was shielded from the blast that took place on the London tube in 2005 by a man who died and was standing next to her. After surviving the blast she knew she had lost both legs and tells the tale of how both death and life spoke to her in that moment.. Death felt like a warm embrace it said “Gill, you have lost both legs and it is going to be hell living like this.” On the other side the fiesty voice of life said to Gill : “but you have so so much more left to do and to live for.” Gill shared that she almost felt bullied by life to come back to live.. Paramedics saw Gill flatline for long periods in the ambulance while continuing to talk.. and she had to be resuscitated three times.
Gill cried as she told Ahn how 26 people died around her that day and she said she lives as good a life as she can to compensate for the 26 lives those 26 people lost that day.. If you do not know she has gone on to set up a peace foundation and works with terrorists to understand what motivates them.. She is amazing.. she is a voice of love.. she is a person who said death will not defeat me.. hate will not defeat me.. pain will not defeat me.. trauma will not defeat me.. at the end of the program before Ahn reveals his portrait to her Gill says these powerful words “I hope he saw the beauty in the trauma!”
I think relates to the fact that trauma bith brings a heightened awareness of the gift of life while asking something of us. For me healing lies is in acknowledging what I carried that made life harder, but also in not making excuses for it once I know the legacy. In some way going through all of this loss asks me to value life EVEN MORE AND NEVER TAKE IT, LOVE, OR OTHER PEOPLE FOR GRANTED!…
Watching Gill Hicks I felt very humbled last night but I also know its important to keep doing my own work to bring consciousness to things.. comparing myself to Gill is not possible though I have also survived death two times.. From now on I want to make life mean something. these revelations into what was carried for me today (Uranus stationing to move forward soon bringing enlightenment into bodily (Taurus) carried things) have been important ones, they are also teaching me that its in the meaning making and piecing together of our trauma experiences and fractured narratives that true power and healing lies..
We are 10 percent what happened to us and 90 percent what we do with what happened to us..
Trauma in taking us to the depths makes us reach even harder for the remaining, love, life and light. Let us make it something full of open heartedness, new possibility and goodness!