All over the place : evening reflections

Grief has been hitting me hard today.. I am not twisting around in my feelings as much and I am getting more done but I am seeing its hard for me to moderate my feelings and activity/rest. The pulls on me were so large last year, now its sad and quiet I am not hearing from my sister and I see it was me generating the contact for the past few years and then the old hurt plays over.. I am trying to do my best to break free of it but the swings have been intense.. I may have overdone it a bit today, I was letting myself relax in the afternoons since Christmas and that seems to be paying off but today I went out to do groceries and came home with a bit of a headache, I got myself into a bit of a frenzy before cleaning out the car, I think I over did it.. It had a lot of dog hair everywhere and other mess and that really triggered a massive inner critic and grief attack and the ancestral voices were strong then as I trimmed the hedge and swept up all the leaves after cleaning out the car.

Life is as it is.. Tomorrow will be my Dad’s anniversary, really he was out of my life since I was 23 and that loss made connecting with others painful and hard for so long and it drove me to this head injury really.. I cannot blame it all on my sister being so mean and switched off in 2005 it just sucks is all.. I dont seem to matter to them at all they are at the coast house and I am here alone with Jasper, maybe it is better this way and I need to accept it.. I am grateful for what I do have.

I contacted my brother about the inheritance yesterday I was low key about it and he was engaged and concerned saying he needs to get onto it and not to worry, after that I felt sad, I haven’t really tried to get to know my brother, at times I have only judged him for being emotionally split off. This strikes me as a bit sad this afternoon, after all he lost Dad in 1985 when he was 40 years old and they worked together for most of his young adult life.. Mum told me often that after my father died she would go to visit him at the office and he would be sitting at the desk wearing Dad’s green cardigan. Mum used to always tear up when she told me this story, sad to say my sister in law told our family friend who worked with them both that Mum needed to stop coming to the office to see him and stand on her own two feet.. Mum must have struggled so much, I was overseas at that stage and Mum’s Mum, my Nana died 2 years later.

Maybe its an achievement to be feeling the sadness more than the anger at this stage I found this quote on line yesterday after fellow blogger The Flow Into Words shared that she felt grief underlay alot of her anger and that is something spoken about a lot in Al Anon. This quote I found via pinterest resonated with me :

It takes some work to sit with our uncomfortable feelings and welcome them into our hearts and it takes time for grief to shed some of its powerful disguises.. I know continuing to keep the distance with my sister feels wrong at the moment but I just cannot seem to reach out.. it feels good to be home and quiet again right now, I did need to get out to get my shopping this afternoon but I am needing the containment of home right now.. I won’t keep on thinking of Dad just because tomorrow is his anniversary but I will light a candle for him anyway.. I accept it all now, but running on my feelings and the unresolved grief and anger did lead to the head injury and I have not been the same person since suffering that.. its affected everything, especially my teeth and my sleep and digestion. I need to start to take it a bit easier on myself and sit more calmly with my feelings instead of endlessly retriggering my pain over and over. That is my gut instinct this afternoon.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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