Deep dark waters

I was in such a strange place this morning.. There has been so much going on, so many conversations, connections, inwardly and outwardly. All in all Christmas Day was peaceful and happy, not a sour note anywhere but when my second cousin rang a lot came up about my brother and his wife.. There are reasons I guess over the years she cut us out or found certain members of our family problematic, early things that went down between her and Mum poisoned the waters, but when I start to talk ill of someone I never feel good about it afterward. I think of the words of Al Anon “let there be no gossip or criticism of one another” there is also an attempt made, with love to see what may lie behind someone’s difficult behavior and to be honest this morning I woke thinking of things I may have done wrong in my own life due to unconsciousnes..

My ex husband got in touch just before Christmas.. It was good to hear from him but painful too as he asked how Sue was and if I would be having Christmas with her while mentioning the coast house.. I was honest I just said I had not been invited and it hurt, I also told him since 2001 things have not been right.. I carry some guilt over things though at times i am sure he didn’t help me either at difficult times.. it is important both to feel the pain, shed the tears and then let it go and give it to God but I was crying a lot about it this morning.

Also my brother called me around 10 am and I was not pushing myself this morning. I let myself rest in bed.. It actually felt good to hear his voice and telling me of the happy Christmas he had with a lot of friends and family but there is pain there too, this is the time of year we lost both Dad and Mum. He also actually really showed some interest in the family history today, he remembered Julie who called me yesterday. Julie is the one who found out so much about our ancestral history on Mum’s mother’s side but yesterday she was filling me in on our great grandfather’s side : The Harrison/Warwick part of the family and Gary told me today he remember our great grandad Arthur Harrison really well, would even recognise him walking down the street if he saw him today.. Its interesting as my brother actually looks a lot like Arthur and he has the same soft gentle nature, but perhaps hidden a bit more under wraps..

It meant a lot to me my brother called, it may be a day late and I actually cried a bit about it with my older sisters’ second son this morning.. I admitted to him I long for the connection and we spoke of how easily schisms can come about and often family patterns of distance or cut off repeat.. He lost his own father on 14 December 2010 just 7 days off his 70th birthday.. I could feel the grief in my nephew as we spoke today. His father was the one who abandoned my sister, then got involved with a woman who treated the sons badly and when that split up he did, eventually in time find comfort with a very lovely lady but sadly he developed cancer and died of that.. The second son stayed very close to his Dad he had a lot of rage at my side of the family years ago, the whole thing is so complex, maybe if he and my sister never tried to come back here in the late 70s and compete with other family she may never have come unstuck but in a way I see it as the carried ancestral struggle to pull ourselves up out of the swamp and survive being played out across generations..My second cousin and I were talking a lot about this yesterday.. how hard my Mum and Dad worked when I was a baby and how absent they were due to exhaustion, so why blame them for this. Its all just unconscious playing out of the struggle to rise and survive.

I actually had the chance to go up and be with this part of the family after Jonathan left but I did not know if it would be seen as disloyal to my sister.. I did not do it, I went overseas instead and had the head injury and was so alone.. When they also came to visit us in Canberra in December 2013 I had the sinus operation that year just prior to Christmas, they did come over with the three children for pizza that time but I was in a lot of pain. I now think the sinus stuff was all connected to grief anyway. I did not really need an operation..

It is so sad I felt scared of getting close to this part of the family but my therapist always validates how hard it was for me to connect.. My older sister’s second son’s wife, Laura is so lovely to me.. I was able to share the grief over having my first pregnancy to Jonathan terminated in May 1993 and of how hard that hit him, and of how painful it was when he did find another partner who fell pregnant bringing the baby to term but not sharing it with me only with my Mum.. Looking back he was probably trying to protect me and my new partner went ballistic with me when I cried about it all in 2009 accusing me of jealousy when there was nothing further from the truth… some times I feel so deficient, I really do but I know it was probably a very responsible thing to know I was not quiet ready at that stage to be a good mother. Gee Christmas brings up a lot.

Jasper didn’t get out to walk until about 1 pm today. It was good to share sometime chatting to family today instead and to speak about hurtful things that have gone down with my sister and her sons, but like with my sister in law I fear painting them in a bad light…there is a prayer a lot of us in AA say… “make me a channel of your peace, where there is hatred let me spread your love” what good will it do to keep the hurt things hurting.. My nephew agreed we both spoke of how resentment is a lot like me taking poison while hoping the mean, insensitive or wounding person is hurt too or dies.. There can surely be a way to hold our hurting feelings tenderly and even our vengeful feelings with compassion and gentleness. I guess that is all about our capacity to mature and take on board suffering and that the world and our biological families are so very far from perfect or ideal.

Today its me I need to be most tender to. Its my heart that most needs my soothing.. I am on a two week therapy break too so that may be why things are tough right now, that and the Scott situation that looks totally hopeless with him facing another two years of active service but this time in a war zone.. Anyway that stuff is all out of my hands.. I have to let it go and shed the tears for frustrated longings fed on promises of something that always fails to materialise..this seems to be hard Saturn territory for me right now so with Saturn smack bang on Mars Saturn Moon I have to suck it up. I also have to watch the inner critic while Kat is absent..

Talking to Laura helped me today to keep the critical voices at bay but I also saw today how my own hurt and fear masquerading as outwardly directed criticism of my brother or his wife or my other sister’s family can be ungenerous too…I try my best to be a loving person. But sometimes it feels I sit alone or drown in the deep dark holding it all and endlessly drying my own tears.. Jasper was good today he sat with me and Laura gave me permission to cry earlier too. I can only thank God I have these precious ones in my life now… without them and this forum to pour it all out into I would be well and truly lost in the wild churning deep seas at this time of year, just as my ancestors and their three children were on that precarious sea crossing that spanned the months December to March.

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