Sorrow and happiness, despair and joy

It seems that the two opposites of life can constantly oscillate. I had one of those mornings today.. some love texts went awry between Scott and I and today is my Mum’s death anniversary so so much was on my mind.. thoughts of the times she tried so hard to love us and of the times she was such a difficult remote mother.. I thought of the times she hurt me and of her frustration but also of the times she tried to give.. Then I had the experience of seeing how I can push away love at times, how I can come down hard on others, its a reflection of the fact I can be hard on myself too. Today I cried a lot about it..

Last night conversations were flowing, there was a lot of love there, today it got washed away in a storm and then things felt cold and dark plus I was flooded with images of my ancestors embarking to leave the UK today, too as it is the anniversary of that day today. Sometimes it feels impossible that I could hold love close, that it could not be destroyed as in the deep ancestral fate, God knows what wounds Thomas (my great great grandfather) carried to make him an alcoholic but i cannot help but feel it was related to the death of his mother when he was 12…When Eliza left him it must have been hard.. I think the echoes of that have reverberated all along the maternal line but not for my brother or most of my nephews.. Its just us girls (and my only niece) who have ended up alone AT LEAST UNTIL NOW.

Anyway some storm clouds blew over emotionally today and I have been crying and reflecting a lot after a happier more energetic start.. I want to get out and walk Jasper and take some flowers over to my sister today. I don’t want to be too late either and I am grateful to be alive.. As soon as Scott leaves for patrol at 10.30 his time (8.30 am mine) I miss him a lot.. But like I said to him today for now I have to go on alone…. I miss Mum today while knowing it had to be this way… life leaves us with so many memories and I thought earlier before, as I sat crying opening our hearts and bodies to encompass all of the huge and complex and at times conflicting feelings and urges we experience in life is a huge task.. Today I sat and felt my heart and did some expansion breathing to let it all in and give a place to eveything : joy and sorrow, hope and despair, pulling towards and pushing away. I also saw how I push away at times because being alone is sometimes the easier way or the way I know best.. never the less no man is an island and I am so grateful for a relationship with someone messy as that is and as fraught with confusion and conflict at times because it is through relationship that we are most often confronted with the mirror of self and self centredness.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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