Connected and separate : some reflections

Sometimes a yearning for a distant parent’s attention, empathy, kindness and love can linger for so long in us.. We long to be inside the other person in many ways and then when triggers of the old not being seen or falling out of mind happen it can feel very desperate for some of us, a lot like dying… Truth is we didnt get to form a strong ego and so we can be open to others needs and desires too.

I just had a wonderful piece of insight shared with me my Lisa Hutchinson after I commented on a recent post of hers on boundaries.. She said to me that the anxiety of abandonment fear we can feel in saying no to another’s need may not just be ours, it may be their anxiety at not getting what they want from us.. It is so interesting to me how deeply interconnected our psyches can be with one another… This made a lot of sense to me of why, when Scott was asking for my help I would feel such intense waves of anxiety.. It occurred to me today that he may fear being alone at the end of his military career with a new life opening up and not sure of a direction seeking one in me, as he so often says I am his reason to be, joy, peace and happiness.. Part of me baulks at this as I know we have to have a strong foundation within ourselves.. others will leave us (all of the time) humans do let us down, its just part of being an adult. Much as I want to be in a loving relationship I also want to keep growing and developing as a human being and maybe even find more ways to be involved in helping others through sharing, counselling or writing, and I know he cannot be my only source, Higher Power has to be that for me too.

Yet when I surrender to the idea we may both be people trying to break out of loveless prisons maybe the truth goes deeper. Paul.Ferrini says we learn to love by holding each other tenderly and we can only do that for others after we learn how to do it for ourselves and trust others who are healthy. We are social animals wired for attachment.and connection and we need each other. Anyway life and relationships are to be lived and experienced they are complex but it helps to know we can switch between being connected and honouring each other’s separateness too.

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