Coming home

Home is hopefully a place that can be a sanctuary for us, particularly those of us who may have been abused or not treated well.. I find coming home can feel both lovely and painful to me, especially on Mondays after therapy.. Usually coming home I unpack my shopping for the next few days, I clean out what I need to from the fridge then feel a pang of guilt having to throw something into landfill. I can also get very emotional. Most other Mondays in the past I cried a lot after therapy but not today. I did not beat myself up that I could not get Jasper out, Simon had a day off from walking Jasper today as he is away but I just told Kat I have had Jasper out most days lately by 10 am and sometimes for another walk and he is in no danger here. Driving in I felt a lot of sadness over my Mum and sister but it has passed now.. I do deserve my own life and I deserve to be happy now.. Things happening are in the past, they had a terrible affect at the time and that cannot be changed but the Now can always be made brighter by my own actions now that I am discovering a sense of agency and seeing where its been fruitless for me to try so hard to be noticed..

My sister’s friend who rang yesterday is a very lovely older lady. She has a daughter with bi polar and tries her best to be there. She said to me yesterday that she also feels its in the taking action to make ourselves happy we find happiness not in medication, though she herself has taken medication for depression too. I just felt sad my sister is pushing her away but I can even understand that and what my sister does or does not do is up to her and this shutting down is part of the phase of the depressive shut down low of bi polar disorder (though I am no fan of that name tbh!)

I love this part of the Monday afternoon best, the wind is blowing up a bit of a storm outside though the sun is out, my lovely plant Gaura or butterfly bush was waving in the breeze to greet me as I drove my electric blue Yaris into home after my lunch out.. I kick back on Monday afternoons and do my writing, I may chat with a friend in recovery, I listen to songs and sometimes put on a favorite movie..I will then make a yummy dinner, these thing nurture my soul.

I also wanted to say again a big thank you to everyone here.. I call you my WordPress family and find this cyber space such a place of love and healing as well as inspiration and connection. Every afternoon now I am trying to catch up on other blogger’s posts.. I see people dealing with so many similar issues, grief over a lost loved one, struggles with being a single parent or having elderly aging parents, struggles with abusive family or partners or coming out of that, difficulties with chronic disease and ‘invisible’ illnesses as a result of trauma.. anxiety, depression, longing for a deeper soul connection through romantic love.. It all makes sense to me.. and my life would be so much poorer without all of you.. Bless you guys and girls and women and men for being here, thank you for the love you show.. Today I wish you Monday blessings too. That you feel safe and cosy and at peace within your own space and self and ‘home’ whatever and where ever that may be.