Happiness may be very close to us but sometimes we lock the door on our hearts and it seems we cannot reach for it.. Love may be there too but we are so far down the rabbit hole it is hard to feel it.. I felt this a lot today after getting a call from a friend of my sister who has been so consistent in being there for her, she told me my sister is not returning calls although when I asked my sister earlier in the week she lied and told me Suzie had not been in touch.. This made me so sad as did the expression on my sister’s face when I asked her about it, there was not even shred of feeling or connection for this friend which makes me question everything.
I took Jasper to visit today and we were told to take him outside as he was so excited he could not stop barking or running around happily to greet everyone. It was okay, it is gentle soft and lovely in the small garden there and I had taken a piece of carrot cake so we enjoyed that with some tea. I just feel a heaviness around my sis I do not want to say much more.. I will visit but there is not a lot of life there, that said I find it peaceful to just be with her for that hour and a half even if she does not say much, sometimes I ask questions, sometimes I just enjoy the being together in silence. Maybe this is what it means to deeply let go in love and humility.. To accept the person is where they are and not walk over any boundary. To honor the other’s separateness. It is a new concept to me but one that I like and brings me serenity.
Jasper got a bit restless towards the final half hour of the visit so we left.. It is always a bit hard to go and then I am happy to leave, it was the same with my older sis in the care home all the times I used to visit her.. My sister’s younger son made no effort to get in touch on his visit and I accept that, though I cried about it with my other niece in law. I could have reached out but I didn’t want to intrude on time in their family. unless invited.
I want to build my family now.. Scott will hopefully be released some time next week and go to the States he may not make it here for Christmas but knowing he is in my life is a comfort. That said I need to keep taking steps to build my growing life… There are family I can connect to on my dead sister’s side and that is a blessing.. I am counting my blessings tonight, when the scales tip to seeing the glass half full I work on remembering all I have to be grateful for. And the most important thing, I am no longer shutting those out who reach towards me with love.