A sense of aliveness and hope

I feel such a sense of aliveness and hope this morning… Its so fresh and cool after some very hot days and rain that fell with a storm last night. Ever notice how vibrant, fresh and alive things seem after a storm has blown through?. Before the storm there is that gathering sense of darkness and often threat, or even apprehension, anticipation and fear and after the storm a clearing. I have had poem in my drafts folder I have been working on for a long time about this… and as my friend ‘Alex’ always says we must survive the storm, for it changes us but also brings something new through.. Have we collectively been going through storms both personally and collectively for some time?

I had a piece of good news tinged with some bad on Friday, I spoke to my nephew about Mum’s ashes being interned and the anniversary and he asked if I planned to do some kind of simple ceremony or memorial.. I was taken aback and thrilled but also sad later in the conversation when he said that if his Mum didn’t stay on drugs she may try to take her life or not get out of bed. That triggered me.. Anyway I said nothing we spoke about having this memorial for my Mum, I just wish my sister will be involved. She was so shut down at the funeral and did not even get to my older sister’s funeral in 2014 but was put into hospital the same day.. I see this as about the collective energies of joy and aliveness that got killed in the family.. My older sister’s life was so tragic and cut down and then to see this other sister come alive and then be cut down by family, claiming she was ‘manic’ when she was bursting out of a difficult marriage.. it was so sad.

Anyway it helps me more lately to realise that I am not in control of so much in my family. As I wrote yesterday I have just been the observer and nearly cut down too in trying to bridge the worlds of death/ancestral trauma and life/psychological and spiritual insight.. There is cause to be hopeful as i am awake and alive so early today (7am) and all the things the critic has been beating me up about are now seen by a healthier part of me as lies as well as attacks on my true, messier self coming alive.. Today I am experiencing the concept that God wishes for those of us in sobriety.. “Happy, joyous and free” Awww hang on I JUST REALISED TODAY IS MY 27TH SOBRIETY BIRTHDAY… I am crying now.. Thank you God for the miracle of 27 years of unbroken sobriety… I AM SO GRATEFUL!