There is no point fighting my destiny.. Getting angry at my Dad now, what will it achieve? He did the best he could at the time with what he knew.. I would rather have my peace these days and surrender pain.. I am letting it go now.
I get to feel a little spun at this time of night but also I am working to find a new fulcrum. I cannot argue with reality any more.. I accept where my sister is, that my older sister had to crash and burn. I accept that our family fragmented..I have to accept the cards fell where they lay and see also that in my hurry to fight against things, sometimes I made my life harder. It is in kneeling to embrace and surrender that I can then find a way to let it all go and find a new direction. And it is in embracing the broken torn apart reality that I get to glimpse a light shining inside the darkness, even if it is just a feeling of love for what I used to resist and hate before arising from deep down in my soul due to acceptance and seeing more clearly through the bias or illusion of self centered ego.
I do love the expression from AA “accepting life on life’s terms” It does not mean we don’t try to change some things we can or improve on what we can but we do that in a flow.. Resisting how it is, trying to change our shape never works, trying harder, saying “Yes”, when our heart screams “No” none of that works and yet we have to look back too and see where we got wounded and so then went astray and carried wounding forward in all kinds of ways and got lost but in getting lost, found again too, had to struggle to find a better way forward.
To sort out my ‘spin’ tonight I just did some tidying up. I think I spent a bit too long on the computer this afternoon as it got hot then we had a storm, Jasper did not get his second walk and just went ballistic a moment ago as he does at this time when neighboring dog intrudes onto this ‘territory’ and wanted to be let out but that means often he goes up to my neighbor Roz’s compost heal and she has to bring him down and she has a bad hip now.. I don’t want to put her through that.. (we got out for a lovely walk later anyway.)
I enjoy to do these little updates as a way of keeping in touch. The only person I communicated with face to face today was the young Vietnamese girl at the bakery I sometimes go to get my coffee and she never even cracks a smile.. I wondered while sitting in the park by the stream having a coffee what her life is like working side by side with Mum and Dad every day..
We all have different lives, some stay close to parents and family, some go far away and rarely see each other.. With Saturn going forward soon to hit my Moon maybe I am going to feel even more separated from family but I need to accept it.. I try to bond but nothing much comes back and others need their lives.. I need to accept what is and find my peace, I do that more when I stay on my own ‘center’ and learn to accept life on life’s terms, staying open and receptive to new paths that open up with time..
I also felt a healing coming through on the walk after dinner.. As a warm breeze buffeted Jasper and I around memories of that final week wwhat Mum before she died came up. I used to drive the route we walked this evening to go visit her in the hospital which was only five minutes from my home.. Even that was a blessing, finding this place so I could be close to her in later years and close to the hospital for all the times she was ill in those final 6 years of her life.. As I walked and sadness came I heard Mum’s voice clear as day ‘Don’t get too caught up in your sorrow any more Deb, after all you know I am very close by you and really isn’t it about time for you to embrace some happiness?’ This was a comfort to me. I know I can miss my Mum but I also saw so clearly tonight, everything worked out as it was meant to E V E R Y T H I N G. And that includes losing my Dad at 23.. so tonight I feel peace with it all.. I am no longer angry any more. Feeling that anger last night made me realise how important love and the longing to love and be truly seen is to us, so so so important and aren’t I so lucky to still be alive?
I choose to develop the positive habit of knowing that Life is here for me. I am willing to forgive myself and move on…
I have an eternal spirit that has always been with me, and it is here with me now.
I relax and let go, and I remember to breathe as I release old habits and embrace positive, new ones.