Sometimes I worry I have intellectual blockages against really loving.. Lately I see that maybe I don’t see the underlying truth of things, I find it hard to trust and show compassion and not think of someone being out to get me in some way, its probably a very very subtle Moon Saturn Chiron Pluto issue (due a lot to my own past trauma and hurt) and I notice it more and more as I continue to try to connect with my sister and brother..
It was actually really lovely to have a phone chat with my sister this evening.. I will go and visit her on Sunday.. I thought today of how she witnessed those three traumas in 6 years from the outside, my near death and smash up inn 1979, Judy’s collapse and psychosis 1980 – 1983 and Dad’s death in 1985. It was so much to live through and her husband’s family had their share of death and tragedies as well. My sister stood by to support his family even when my brother in law ran away to Vietnam and one brother and one sister in law were sick with and eventually died of cancer.
I was sharing with my sis today how summer always reminds me of the three months I spent in hospital following the crash, Sept to Dec and I was so smashed up it was not possible from the head trauma to have my hair washed for weeks, my tongue was half cut, I lost a lot of teeth and when it was time for my hair to be washed my sister came and did it for me.. See I don’t remember those acts of kindness only the way I felt sidelined later..
I keep thinking alot this week about self centredness. We all see life from the vantage point of our own particular perspective and then can feel upset things did not go the way our ego would have liked, but the truth is that perhaps life had other plans and they may have been hard plans full of suffering, injury and loss but how to rise from the ashes of those to find the positive and not keep blaming or turn against our fellow man who also struggled?
Lately I think of the times I didn’t show gratitude maybe due to the fact past hurt eclipsed my ability to see what jewels still remained littered among the wreckage of all my family trauma, also perhaps all of that shattering and loss at times made me want to push away closeness.. Kat tells me all the time I needed my anger to survive, but its healing lately to be able to let go of a lot of it.
I think of the splits that came when my sister in law decided due to my older sister’s damage she would not let her daughter too close to Judy, I do feel that was sad for Jen and it was sad for Judy’s kids too who don’t really have an open loving relationship with their cousins.. And I see how they too often subtly judge or distance from each other due to externals or perhaps due to a little bit of jealousy (understandable) over having had a tougher ride.
Anyway this is just a reflective post and a take on trying to end the sense of subtle separation I sometimes feel from loved ones and members of my own family. Sometimes it can be hard to see they lived a different life and we may long for a deeper connection with siblings or family members than is realistically possibly. But is there a chance too, that in some way we can accept they are where they need to be too and that it is not us writing the script and being able to organise the ‘movie’ of life just as we wish it could be? Can we also embrace the mystery of it all? These are just some emerging thoughts pre-occupying my mind lately, as Mercury hits the later degrees of Scorpio followed a bit of a way back by Venus.. the Sun in Sag may also be lending a bit more of an expansive perspective on things for me now as it squares my Chiron Pluto opposition from Pisces to Virgo.