Deep sadness

The skies have been crying since late last night.. A huge burst of thunder shook me through my entire body in the early hours, it was just resonating.. Weird body stuff goes on with me all of the time but last night was intense. I also spoke to my sister and much as people tell me God wants me to be happy and how they cut off from siblings I just cannot do it. I know my sister is in such a lonely deep place right now, she said she spent most of the day in bed yesterday when I spoke to her around 5 pm. I feel so powerless as there is not a lot I can do but try to invite her for a meal and today memories of the final few weeks of Mum’s life and Lyra’s seizure which spelt the beginning of the end for Mum were with me strongly. It was such an intense episode happening on the last day of my deceased sister’s third son’s visit in early December 2017. The seizure happened just before he and his daughter were due to leave for the flight home and I just remember the shock on Mum and my sister Sue’s face and how braced their bodies were in helplessness and confusion as Gerrard held Lyra while she foamed at the mouth and I called for an ambulance. Such an echo of my sister’s siezure that occured around that time of day back in 1980. . I could not help but feel Lyra picked up on something, she is such a sensitive bunny..

I believe Mum had another fall in the ensuring panic and it was only a few days later she went into hospital never to come out again. Mum and Sue were so close, even if at time my sister struggled with Mum so its no surprise to me she may be struggling at this time of year with so much pent up inside.. I have found myself bursting into tears quite often in past days. I can’t really talk to anyone much but my therapist about it and today’s session, a lot of it, was spent in tears with me articulating my helplessness. Kat says cutting off will only hurt me, this is my sister and I love her no matter what happened in the past and I am sure none of it was done with mal intent.

It helps just to write this.. I know its not ‘living in the present’ but big feelings are around in late November and early December for me, leading up to sobriety day – 6 Dec… and when the Sun and Moon start to square my Chiron old woulds ark up. That said I am reading a lot more of The Power of Now by Eckardt Tolle again lately and he recommends we become the observer of our reactions and emotions so that they can move through us and so we don’t become ’embedded’ in them or hold onto them as an identity… This makes sense to me, as does a lot of what he writes about the pain body. Those of us with past trauma have a very strong pain body and it is often triggered by reminder events in the now.. It is possible to pause within a trigger and do work such as Pete Walker recommends when dealing with flashbacks to remind ourselves the present is NOT THE PAST AND WE ARE ACTUALLY SAFE AND NOT UNDER THREAT. Some of us trauma survivors may spend large parts of the day in flashbacks without even knowing it.

Moticing the inner dialogue that goes along with the trigger or flashback and talking ourselves down or at least helping to be a loving caring witness in the midst of it will help us de-escalate, recognise resonances and come back into ‘the Now!’

Overcast rainy Mondays make me worry for my sister. It was on a Monday she tried to take her life in 2013.. I am praying that will not happen again but I know she isn’t feeling well, she finds it impossible to exercise right now and is not hearing from a lot of people. I will try to keep in touch, as she also finds it hard to reach out. In Al Anon we say “Let it Begin With Me” and even if I am in touch I have to detach to a degree from what I am powerless to change or make better for her..

I am also very worried about my dead sister’s third son. Things are difficult where he lives due to people from Covid affected Victorian deciding to move north and buy up and rent properties for higher prices. Real estate agents are cashing in and he has been given only two months notice that he must vacate where he lives and other rental properties are now prohibitive in price.. As an artist he struggles to find work now that one important contract has ended.. he told me on Friday that his only option is to move town and he has two children and is separated and shares custody for half a week. I often help him but I cannot right now, not until my inheritance gets sorted and the worry over him falls to me as no other family seem to care or engage much. I just thank God that I own my own property and even on days like today when sadness comes, I try to focus on all that I have to be grateful for.

Truth is, whatever is going on with my sister and nephew is out of my hands and I am still working through the grief at my own unlived life.. I am not sure of a new direction right now, maybe I just need to bare with the dailyness of everything right now. Its tough for a lot of people right now.

On a funny note I just had lunch in town and was bemused to see a security guard wandering around with the words “security and social distancing ambassador” emblazened on his black t-shirt. WTF? We need an ambassador now to enforce the legal ‘safe’ distances between us??? it is all just a little too weird. This afternoon I will take refuge in the quiet. I will try to hand my worries over and try not to get too stuck in fear…It is the best I can do in this situation when feeling a bit vulnerable ; just be good to myself and take in gently.. Everything all seems a bit soggy and damp right now and Simon said the smell of duck pooh was noticable when he came to get Jasper earlier. My critic savaged me with that one earlier saying how I am living in doggie dereliction.. This is an older property without a lot of free flowing air, it may be time to try an open up some of the old windows to get a flow through..I am trying my very best to stay clear of negative, judging mind right now..Better to choose joy even as the sadness wave, having crested and broken floods away.

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