Human kindness shown to me opens my heart.. It dawned an overcast lonely Sunday today, but the loneliness was more that sense of quiet and silence with everyone at home in their own world on a Sunday. Really my heart also felt full as I am at home with myself right not and no longer longing as much for dysfunctional ties.
Jasper and I got out for our walk and our first blessing was to meet a couple down by the lake beach with a new puppy called Chloe, a border collie. Chloe was there with their older dog and I had a chat while Jasper ran around happily whooping and barking while loving the brief moments of connection. I then drove to the veggie markets to get a coffee and the usual queue of traffic was there but one of the drivers flashed his lights and let me in…. as soon as this happened my heart became all soft and I felt tears falling..
Earlier the day I was doing my gratitude practice I was also thinking of the concepts spoken of in AA a lot, of self centered fear and self pity.. The truth is that painful things happen to us in life and we have to find a way to accept these, even if we don’t like them and they have caused us suffering to eventually find our way to peace.. When we keep the pent up anger and frustration going around and around inside of us (and why wouldn’t we if we never get help to offload it?) , my experience is that it only ends up rebounding ON US and attracting further trauma into our lives..
The perpetrator often doesn’t care less and has already moved on and they may be invested in diminishing us and our pain or anger or sadness should we try to address it.. This hurts as long as we don’t see the reality, some souls are deeply spiritually and emotionally unwell and don’t really care if they hurt us. Its just fact! Cold hard fact! They also are often invested in denying or keeping a lid on their own hidden shame or unprocessed traumas.
I was given another gift last night after following a feed on the Empath’s page on cutting off from narcissistic or toxic family members, and this led me to the following video by therapist and social worker Patrick Teahan on why some people actively shame or try to shut us down for feelings.. I wish I had been able to see this video 6 years ago when I was struggling, (especially at this painful time of year leading up to traumatic injuries.)
Anyway better late than never and now I know that emotionally shut down people are very difficult and toxic for us when we start to heal due to the implicit superiority and active contempt they show us for our process. I made the mistake of opening up to my brother about all the trauma that went down in my addiction just after I had the head injury in 2005 and was so far away, and as a result he made sure his niece had limited contact from me from then on, which hurt so deeply as we began to get close in the years just before my ex husband and I moved over seas. He has also actively shamed me for expressing legitimate grievances and anger, and (as in the video) once said to me about Dad’s death when I tried to address how Mum may like him to stay closer at Christmas “let it go for God’s sake, that was years ago!”
Anyway its all good.. I have to validate my own pain and I need to find those who are soft, kind, tender, empathic and allowing in my life. As Gabor Mate says “there is no such thing as ‘tough love’ ” often that is just another form of armouring on behalf of certain people often invested in denying emotional truths they find it impossible or too difficult to take on board.
It felt good to cry as Jasper gazed at me so lovingly in the car this morning. I am still grieving and it is necessary for me to allow myself that space, if just for half an hour here or there throughout the day.. I noticed today that when I do not the unfelt feelings remain inside me as energies banked up in my gut, chest, heart and brain, my digestion and sleep gets affected. Allowing the releasing helps and who knows, just possibly surrendering my will to God through prayer today brought those two gifts into my life today. I like to think that when I open my heart to receive the Universe always has my back. I may not always get what I want (arrive in the form I hope for) but all to often, I often get exactly what I need, to quote the Rolling Stones.