Slowly I am finding my way home to myself. When I feel the truth inside my body I am home. When I feel the tears flow, I feel and recapture another piece of my heart. When I can feel great joy and revel in my darling puppy’s excitement and play without censoring I feel myself to be alive. When I can laugh and sing and dance and feel the vast awesomeness of a dappled sunset I know I am coming alive and finally emerging from my chrysalis and the dark night experience of my soul to be fully awake and alive on this amazing planet which is earth.
My journey through the dark has led me to deep aloneness and through my ability to remain in that to a deeper feeling of connection with the earth and the collective of which I am a part. Some degree of aloneness I do feel is essential to birth ourselves as individuals. Paradoxically the more deep my capacity for solitude the more deep my capacity for intimacy is (first and foremost with myself). I need periods of rest and quiet contemplation to feel my connection with my feelings and with my life and with past pain, so I can grow in wisdom. And it all seems completely natural to me now why I had to hide out and disconnect from most of the people in my life at a certain time in my life.. Learning to be comfortable being alone for me, instead of grasping for any connection now feels healthier to me. And I needed to come to know myself and my insides well.
I have just been reading up in the Borderline Personality Survival Guide about how invalidation and failure of assistance in having childhood emotions, feelings and needs, valued and reflected back hurts many of us. In the section I have just been reading the book deals with Mentalisation Based Therapy. Our capacity to think about or mentalise how we are feeling or about how another person may be feeling develops after toddlerhood. When we don’t get authentically reflected back then we come to be distant from both understanding our feelings as well as accepting them and acting on them in a useful manner and we turn this same treatment around onto others.. For me without a lot of therapy help to assist me seeing into myself (in-ti-macy : into me I see) I am lost to myself and to others. With it and through it I am connected to humanity and to life.
Why are we wounded? What is the purpose of the wound? What is the reason for suffering? These are important questions. The wound enables us to obtain knowledge of Self, to know the part of God that is us. Once we know the part of God that we are, we can see the God-Self in others.
To begin to learn that I had a right to live my own life and be me, well that is the biggest lesson of all. Sometimes in order to grow I may have to leave behind that which no longer serves me. This isn’t selfishness. It is a sign of self respect. And the deeper truth is that is it in learning to love and care for ourselves that we learn to love and care for others in a real way.. We allow others to be and we no longer have to download our angst onto them. Feeling at home in ourselves we are more able to rest and keep a healthy self focus while still being conscious of and about as well as showing care, respect and empathy to others.