Who is in charge?

I like to think the Universal force has a say in things that happen or don’t happen. That said the Universal force manifests through our actions and the actions of other people and, as we know, people can be all shades of easy and difficult (including ourselves.)

After a week of getting myself a bit bent out of shape I decided its better to surrender those things I can not control or change.. I didn’t bother my brother more about the inheritance this week.. I don’t just want to be calling him about money.. I will call him later (at some stage) to see how he is but I just know I would not ever get a call from him simply about that (I love you, know things have been tough with Sue how are you doing??), the same for my sister.. I need to accept it and keep the focus on my own life, I love my family but they are not easy to love.. In fact that is the title of one of my favorite songs I am listening to lately.

But love is love I guess and my family is the ocean I was born out of and I tried my best to swim in it, while others capsized and drowned while I watched mute and paralysed from the sidelines, thinking if only I could give enough love, maybe I could turn everything around.. what an innocent youngest child delusion!!!. So that pattern was set down at a young age.. See the world outside me as separate and deeply unconcerned with my heart, soul and being and scramble like hell to be noticed, affirmed, given support to blossom and since its not coming, change the focus to out there, instead of to myself…

And yes, there are gifts in this, but lately it just seems I got so lost and bent out of shape along the way and maybe I failed to mature in some essential way, something I am trying my hardest to correct now, by asking myself, exactly whose responsibility is each challenge that my life currently presents. Sorting out the answers is taking time.

One of the most poignant of these moments of flailing and feeling lost in childhood was when my Godparents oldest son wanted me to be flower girl after seeing me do it for my brother and his wife in 1969, they copied the hairstyle and the dress that had a blue satin sash and then gave me a beautiful locket with the bluebird of happiness on it, but on the day they were all getting ready the bluebird of happiness fell off and as usual I got so anxious as I used to get in so much trouble with Mum if I lost or broke things, or things spilled, so I wandered around helplessly, alone looking for it until one of my God parent’s family noticed and helped me. What profound metaphor for my life, if I everr make a movie about all of our family trauma that will be the opening scene.

I often feel my own bluebird wings got clipped so harshly. Feel blessed my God father validated this many many years later when I was sober and sharing with he and my Godmother about so much and giving him massage as part of my clinical hours working towards a Diploma of Aromatherapy in 1995. I had an amazing dream about it at around 11 years of sobriety and his validation was essential in a family vested in making me the ‘fuck up’, or seeing me as the one who could not get it together… just as I have seen myself so much in later years.

I like to think there is a process of unfolding going on for me now, as well as a process of separation. That would go along with my second Saturn return (we all get this around 58 to 59) and this may be yet another time we get to undertake an incomplete of separation emotionally, if we didn’t manage it at 21, 31 or in our 40s. Add to this at 50 we get our Chiron return and many of us have to do a lot of work on our core ‘wound’ at this time so its a lot for many of us to process who had narcissistic damage or experienced invalidation or emotional neglect. I know my relational wound really kicked in to gear at age 50 and that was around the time Phil and I separated.. I see looking back now, times he needed stuff of me I could not give him, either due to my level of wounding and he was not invested in looking much at his part, but never the less it was meant to be it ended.

Today I can feel grateful for it all and feel less shame. Driving Betty home yesterday after taking her out for her 81st birthday lunch she said to me “Deb you know we are so lucky and there is so much to be grateful for!” I couldn’t help but agree and it all depends on the attitude I take to things.. Can I be humble and honest in the face of disappointments and things not working out my way? Will I accept the humanity, wounds and vulnerabilities of other messy humans, even if they will not recognise them in themselves and engage in all kinds of vain egoic posturing or other defences? Can I see when I do the same? And how aware am I of my own blind spots and woundings? Do I force the pain of those out onto others, or turn it all around in self blame? Can I exercise self forgiveness and accept and embrace the power to change?

These are the questions occupying me right now.. And much as its great to be in the present moment there are times we need to think things through and sort out the chaos…its just destructive, paralysing or non regenerative thought processes we need to guard against

God created us perfectly and he gave us feelings, intuition and a powerful and potentially intelligent human mind for a very good reason. Its not good to be shamed for our intelligence as I so often was, especially if we see deeply into life. God also gave us (potentially) to humbly recognise the true limits of our power in the Universe as well as our beloved majesty. We are not the center of the Universe and yet we all are, also divine sparks of universal life force, light beings fashioned out of the burst apart atomic dust of stars.

11 thoughts on “Who is in charge?

  1. Hello my dear friend I am sorry you are dealing with so much pain. You are in charge of you but God is ultimately in charge thank goodness right. I don’t know what we do without it. Please don’t feel so bad about the dysfunction with siblings. I don’t talk about this but I have three sisters and none of us can have a relationship. I have tried, turned my face to be slapped a hundred times but the cruelty and heartache is not worth it. You are such a sweetheart and don’t deserve all this heartache. You wear the full armor of God so He will be there for you. I am sending you hugs, love, chocolates, and blessings. 🦋🤗💕❤️ love you my friend. P S I loved the metaphors you used to describe the relationship with your family really beautiful and I could totally relate. I love you. ❤️ Joni

    1. Aww thanks so much Joni.. I wish I had walked away a long time ago.. I am seeing that your solution is probably best, its just at times my sister give me glimpses of kindness but they are only glimpses, soon to disappear.. I have decided to only have contact with her when she wants to reach out now. Its too painful and tiring and I honestly don;t want this sadness for the rest of my life.. I have tried so hard with her but I am all done in..

      I do appreciate you sharing that with me.. It eases my burden a lot

      I love you too.. thanks so much for your honest friendship and love..

      Big hug ❤

      1. I saw a therapist for a year to help me to be ok with not being around my three sisters. They were dysfunctional and abusive and they hurt my heart continually. Paul, one of my favorite disciples in the Bible said this, “Here’s a Bible passage I’d like to share with you…
        “But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.”
        ‭‭Titus‬ ‭3:9-11‬ ‭NIV‬‬. This really helped me my friend and I pray it will help you. Love, prayers and blessings coming to you. I love you ❤️ Joni

      2. I love that quote.. there is a great book by the author of the Five Love Languages that talks of righetous anger..you must express it to the abuser and if they show no care you don’t let them in to hurt you again.. since they show they don’t really care about you at all… thanks so much for sharing this., Joni.. is very helpful. ❤

      3. I am so glad it was helpful. I know that for me this is always a hard time of year. It is for millions of Americans anyway. I can’t even imagine how bad things are in places that were more isolated than where I grew up. Holidays were always the worse. May God bless you my friend and may you find comfort in knowing you have been the peace maker. You have been the one who has tried to make things right. Please don’t continue to hurt yourself, no one deserves that. God wants us to be happy. Sending you so much love. Joni

      4. Absolutely I think we do an injustice to ourselves and the act and loss if we don’t allow ourselves to grieve. We are human and pain is something that if we just push it aside it is always going to be there and probably never get better. Sending you lots of love my friend. ❤️💕Joni

      5. Perhaps you are right my friend. Everyone has their own process for dealing with pain. I am just grateful that you experience joy as you are such a sweetheart and deserve love and happiness. Sending you lots of love. 🤗💕❤️Joni

      6. Aww I do get joy when I am in my life, my grief seems to surround the family that are so lost really.. I cannot help but feel it but its not the whole of me, it may just be very intense now while Venus transits Scorpio… hugs you to and thanks for seeing my heart, Joni.. much love sweetie ❤

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