I like to think the Universal force has a say in things that happen or don’t happen. That said the Universal force manifests through our actions and the actions of other people and, as we know, people can be all shades of easy and difficult (including ourselves.)
After a week of getting myself a bit bent out of shape I decided its better to surrender those things I can not control or change.. I didn’t bother my brother more about the inheritance this week.. I don’t just want to be calling him about money.. I will call him later (at some stage) to see how he is but I just know I would not ever get a call from him simply about that (I love you, know things have been tough with Sue how are you doing??), the same for my sister.. I need to accept it and keep the focus on my own life, I love my family but they are not easy to love.. In fact that is the title of one of my favorite songs I am listening to lately.
But love is love I guess and my family is the ocean I was born out of and I tried my best to swim in it, while others capsized and drowned while I watched mute and paralysed from the sidelines, thinking if only I could give enough love, maybe I could turn everything around.. what an innocent youngest child delusion!!!. So that pattern was set down at a young age.. See the world outside me as separate and deeply unconcerned with my heart, soul and being and scramble like hell to be noticed, affirmed, given support to blossom and since its not coming, change the focus to out there, instead of to myself…
And yes, there are gifts in this, but lately it just seems I got so lost and bent out of shape along the way and maybe I failed to mature in some essential way, something I am trying my hardest to correct now, by asking myself, exactly whose responsibility is each challenge that my life currently presents. Sorting out the answers is taking time.
One of the most poignant of these moments of flailing and feeling lost in childhood was when my Godparents oldest son wanted me to be flower girl after seeing me do it for my brother and his wife in 1969, they copied the hairstyle and the dress that had a blue satin sash and then gave me a beautiful locket with the bluebird of happiness on it, but on the day they were all getting ready the bluebird of happiness fell off and as usual I got so anxious as I used to get in so much trouble with Mum if I lost or broke things, or things spilled, so I wandered around helplessly, alone looking for it until one of my God parent’s family noticed and helped me. What profound metaphor for my life, if I everr make a movie about all of our family trauma that will be the opening scene.
I often feel my own bluebird wings got clipped so harshly. Feel blessed my God father validated this many many years later when I was sober and sharing with he and my Godmother about so much and giving him massage as part of my clinical hours working towards a Diploma of Aromatherapy in 1995. I had an amazing dream about it at around 11 years of sobriety and his validation was essential in a family vested in making me the ‘fuck up’, or seeing me as the one who could not get it together… just as I have seen myself so much in later years.
I like to think there is a process of unfolding going on for me now, as well as a process of separation. That would go along with my second Saturn return (we all get this around 58 to 59) and this may be yet another time we get to undertake an incomplete of separation emotionally, if we didn’t manage it at 21, 31 or in our 40s. Add to this at 50 we get our Chiron return and many of us have to do a lot of work on our core ‘wound’ at this time so its a lot for many of us to process who had narcissistic damage or experienced invalidation or emotional neglect. I know my relational wound really kicked in to gear at age 50 and that was around the time Phil and I separated.. I see looking back now, times he needed stuff of me I could not give him, either due to my level of wounding and he was not invested in looking much at his part, but never the less it was meant to be it ended.
Today I can feel grateful for it all and feel less shame. Driving Betty home yesterday after taking her out for her 81st birthday lunch she said to me “Deb you know we are so lucky and there is so much to be grateful for!” I couldn’t help but agree and it all depends on the attitude I take to things.. Can I be humble and honest in the face of disappointments and things not working out my way? Will I accept the humanity, wounds and vulnerabilities of other messy humans, even if they will not recognise them in themselves and engage in all kinds of vain egoic posturing or other defences? Can I see when I do the same? And how aware am I of my own blind spots and woundings? Do I force the pain of those out onto others, or turn it all around in self blame? Can I exercise self forgiveness and accept and embrace the power to change?
These are the questions occupying me right now.. And much as its great to be in the present moment there are times we need to think things through and sort out the chaos…its just destructive, paralysing or non regenerative thought processes we need to guard against
God created us perfectly and he gave us feelings, intuition and a powerful and potentially intelligent human mind for a very good reason. Its not good to be shamed for our intelligence as I so often was, especially if we see deeply into life. God also gave us (potentially) to humbly recognise the true limits of our power in the Universe as well as our beloved majesty. We are not the center of the Universe and yet we all are, also divine sparks of universal life force, light beings fashioned out of the burst apart atomic dust of stars.