Today I am aware of how important acceptance of the tough stuff in my life is.. Lately I see all my mistakes or wrong turnings in greater clarity but I also see it was also just the way my life evolved, something its only hurtful to blame myself or others for. The powerful body sense in therapy on Thursday that my left arm was being held hard by someone as my body was trying to spin and turn away accompanied by a sense of being hit over the head repeatedly by someone while begging them to stop, seems a profound metaphor for my life and my body is quaking with the pent up multi-generational vibration/stress as I type this, as two painful days followed with all of that stirred up. It is not lost on me that Mum told me Nana put her head through the wall one time when she was young… Poor Mum I just wish I understood more of what she struggled with, maybe I would not have felt the need to run so far and so many times (even if for some of those times it was her pushing me away!)
Today my life just seemed (again) so self oriented and so out of touch with the outside world as I struggled with the thought its over 10 days since I visited my sister…I managed to eat breakfast and moved my way through the usual panic attack/inner flood that happens when I eat breakfast (and other meals, often) by breathing and trying to blow my nose.. I think I have been throwing off a cold for the past week at times the symptoms come and go and I am doing my best to just keep moving through it while resting too.
I let Scott down by not sending the money through for his birthday. Truth was I was too sick to do it on Friday night and part of me felt relieved but there was no more contact after I told him I was sick.. That made me partly angry and feel its really only his needs that truly matter to him, that said I am adult and need to take care of myself. This boundary confusion and unfulfilled longing from childhood to be bonded has cost me dearly and I do regret that now, but its one of the things from the past I cannot change and must accept.
I just got the inner guidance after breaking down to cry from my angels that I did the very best I could at the time, they said that is all any human being can do. I know how far from perfect I am, I may continue to feel constant sorrow over the way my life has turned out but I am most definately only one of so many who feel this way too.. I am just an ordinary human, who struggles, falls down, mucks up but then somehow from somewhere finds the strength to pick herself up and go on.. Some days that is hard.. some days it takes all the courage I can muster and sometimes I need to take a break or rest (particularly from a tendency to over think).. For today I also remind myself.. Go gently! There is only so much you can do to make things right and there are so many things you are powerless over and just have to accept in order to find true peace of mind.