I must confess to feeling a little bit demented right now.. Its nothing new that happened externally apart from a very intense therapy session where my body started manifesting this carried pain of being hit over the head repeatedly.. This happened in Thursday’s session which we did over the phone and it calmed down afterward but I ate some cake and then took Jasper out for a walk and that night I had the most horrendous night.. Yesterday I didn’t feel well at all and then I remembered that when Simon came to walk Jasper on Monday he told me he had been sick and I started to feel a sore throat coming on and then got the shivers. I find it really hard to accept when I am physically unwell and just rest and I start to stress over not walking Jasper. Living alone I have no fall back really. I did get into bed before making dinner last night because I felt so low in energy but I could not settle and I then forced myself to make a meal when I may have been better to rest, but as soon as I start to rest my PTSD starts up like a firestorm fuelled by fears and mental chatter then manifesting in acute body pain. It really is agony. I find it so hard to surrender when feeling ill.
Anyway luckily it rained in the night, lovely soft constant rain so when I woke after about only 3 hours sleep around midnight I got up and went outside and walked through the rain for a while. I did this 3 times in all and it was lovely to feel the softness of the rain in my hair, it helped my body soothe and move out of the intensely contracted state it was in. It still took me ages to settle as I felt as though World War One was going on inside my body. I did manage to get back to sleep until 7.30 am so was grateful for that and managed to eat a few hours later but then the storm happened again.. Despite this I got Jasper and I out for a walk just before more rain fell. I came home, cleaned out the car and made lunch but this afternoon I am resting.
Reading this back and reflecting upon it, it seems my body is fighting a virus at the moment, which is why I find it so hard to settle, there is the sense of my body wanting to expel a foreign body and feeling vulnerable and off kilter. This push pull patterns also dovetailing with boundary struggles I have been having with someone this week, where I set a boundary only to cave in again and then had to set it again last night due to being so unwell. And I resent the person not getting that it was hard for me and pushing me.. but that could be all about my own shadow, in never being able to speak to my mind.. there goes my mental gyration process again.
It should be easy to rest, but part of the intense pain for me, is at times, the realisation of how alone I am, then I recognise that this sense of ‘being all alone’ is only a thought too… I have people I know who reach out from time to time, still since Mum died that doesn’t happen often. The only person I am special to and seems to care to contact me regularly is Scott and then he is the one often wanting me to burden with his own problems. At the moment I just want to shut the door on him too. I long for others but then wish they would stop bugging me . its such a difficult dance at times.
Writing about it helps me a bit.. I fear its rather a boring post, nothing at all to report really. I had a computer free day yesterday, only just caught up on recent comments a moment ago. I really enjoyed listening to the Book Club programme on Radio National today where they interviewed several of this year’s Booker Prize nominated authors.. I most appreciated the interview with the authors of the novel, Homeland Elegies, Ayad Akhtar a Muslim American playwrite, and Yaa Gyasi, author of the novel Transcendant Kindgom which deals with a woman, Gifty who is studying octo-genetics (an offshoot of neuroscience research into brain pathways) In the novel Gifty’s brother dies from an overdose due to opoid addiction when she was only 11 years old… Yaa articulates Gifty’s struggle to come to terms with earlier loss so well, and it really resonated with me but it also showed how emotions so often get hidden only to manifest in a search for control or understanding of grief and suffering that is often a mystery. If you are interested you can take a listen here.. as a writer I so relish hearing about the writing life and the subjects that fire others to write.. It gives a shot of uplift to my day.. and a sense of meaning.