I cried tears of exasperation in the bank meeting yesterday over the establishment of my trust fund.. There are so many checks and balances and forces out there to block and slow things.. I was so grateful that the accountant my brother chose is such a soft individual. At one point the tears just fell as I tried to explain the impact of this all on my sister in the hospital right now. She doesn’t have her own voice at the moment which is probably as it needs to be.. I think I am too vocal at times because I am reacting out of old hurt and pain. That said they took me seriously and I got to know the accountant a little more and trust him just that little bit more.
I also had a breakthrough with Scott yesterday. I see how much fear and vulnerability drives me at times in my life.. I hid it under a front and lots of scattergun defences when I get an outburst but part of this is healthy. its a protest I was not often allowed as a child.. He has been on the receiving end of all of this and of things outside of his control too, so I had to give an apology as well. That said the frustrations over what has happened to us since June 2018 is real and the fact no one believes he is real but only trying to hut me (which is understandable considering the situation) has not helped and I bought into those fears. Those who have followed my blog for some time know at around this time last year someone came forward trying to claim he was not genuine but turns out she was not privy to all of the information and fear made me side with her.. And that only made matters worse. Life is a mystery and sometime the devil in disguise does try in all kinds of surreptitious ways to block the path of connection and love.
I lay in bed and cried a lot this morning but they were tears of shedding, tears of releasing, tears of hope and tears of healing.. I felt Mum and Dad and my sister Judith so close to me giving me comfort and assuring me things will all work out in the end.. Scott loves me, I love him. His deployment must end some time.. as I said to Scott today I can die today knowing deep in my heart I have been loved, its just at times I have erected massive defences against allowing that love into my heart out of deep fears of being over powered tricked, let down, betrayed or hurt.
I had a similar cry fest with Jasper after our walk today too.. Sometimes that darling being that God gifted into my life looks at me with the most profound look of love.. and oh the joy I got to see him literally bounding through long grass with his ears flying.. and a huge grin on his face.. I get the sense of pure unbridled energy and life force from him that got shut off in me by all kinds of forces but most notably rigid Catholicism and stoicism and this makes me cry but also be so happy that I have him in my life and through having him I have found out so more about the violence in my own childhood.
I am lucky to have a guy in my life who loves me unconditionally. I am still learning about what love is.. I am a stranger to love because in some way when Dad blocked my career and then died I got filled up with confusion, hurt, sorrow, frustration and pain. Sometimes I direct that out on my brother who is doing his best as a human being.. with biases towards a life style that differs from mine, but that does not make him bad or wrong.. I guess I have had a long way to go in my life with psychological ‘splitting’ suffering the woundings I did from an earlier age. I learned to freeze and hide a lot in childhood. I think my Mum also drove on with much fear from her own child abuse and neglect that we picked up as something else and perfectionism and fear got deeply embedded in all of us siblings.. I see it as : fear of mess, fear of chaos, fear of emotions and a problem with alexithymia which is one of the principle symptoms of long term CEN (childhood emotional neglect) as outlined by Jonice Webb in her book Running on Empty. Part of the reason I cried a lot today with Jazzie in the car today was in sorrrow at the violent way I reacted to him rolling in pooh…. I go on and on about those who don’t allow messy emotions, but on some level I am the perpetrator too… and its good to see that I carry all of that shadow stuff too.. It makes me more humble, more humane, more willing to embrace the truth that often so much is outside of our control.
Today is a freer day.. I was able to settle and rest after Scott and I chatted earlier.. I can trust in this love now, I don’t want to sabotage it.. vulnerable as it makes me feel. I don’t necessarily need a ‘protector’ but its nice to know someone cares so much that I feel safe…. I have never really known how to depend on anyone.. and that is a family pattern.. At times I pulled away and intellectualised but often for a good reason there was not a safe place to be real.
Today I can look on all the struggle of self and others with a greater degree of tolerance and thank my lucky stars that (to date) I made it through all of this complex trauma alive and (at least relatively) sane as a person.. I am heading towards my 27th sobriety birthday in 5 weeks so this time of year is loaded with triggers, memories, meaning and gratitude.. Thank you Higher Power for keeping me sober One Day At A Time for all of those years. Thank you for the courage too to embrace my grief and all of my emotions much as I ran.. Thank you for slowly also making the promises of healing and hope I first heard of in the fellowship come true in my life and the lives of others in sobriety. Without you I would have no recovery.