Defined : today’s reflections

Sometimes I see how much my life and choices have been defined by the ancestral dis-ease and disconnect in my family and parents and most definately in my older two female siblings..

People share all the time about being suicidal and God knows I have felt that way so many times, but few seem to share the pain of what it is to carry your own trauma and then witness two siblings try to end their life. God only knows how it was for my mother, I think my second sister’s suicide attempt in 2013, 2 years after I moved back to my home town after nearly 26 years away was the beginning of the end and as well as a long slide into chronic body pain for my Mum.. She had endured a botched knee replacement around a similar time (either just before.. so much trauma went down I am hazy) and nearly lost her life in the aftermath of that.. At that stage I rushed to Sydney four hours drive away to be there for her, after only just having undergone painful root canal treatment.. Then my sister tried to take her life the following year after being involuntarily committed to the psyche ward in Melbourne under the egis of machinations going on between my mother and her two sons.. It was bloody horrific to witness as a sober person in recovery. And yet I was enmeshed still. Deeply!

It is not pretty to see someone after they take an overdose, I will never forget that sight of her bloated body and of the pain as the doctors took me aside to ask me why she was on anti-convulsives.. Her bloody shrink of the time had her on about 4 different meds ( I took the white bag home the paramedics had found at the scene and googling the medications at least two came with the caution – may cause anxiety).. Various ‘doctors’ have been playing Russian roulette with her illness for many years now.. I shouted the place down and as a result the hospital staff ended up taking her off some of the stuff.

Then there is the oscillation of the life wish and the death wish that so many of us struggle with, but in the case of a close sibling suffering with a mental illness, they end up pulling you along for the ride because you love them.. Its so fucking hard.. they can then abuse you in ways that do not even register to them and you try to forgive and keep connecting but at times the pain of being unseen and unfelt emotionally hurts.. you feel erased its as if you might as well NOT EXIST… for all the fucking empathy and insight they show and yet even reading this back maybe those painful feelings also belong to my sister who is a victim of narcissistic injury too.

That said I know there are times my sister had my back and our relationship is complex as most sibling relationships are. In the aftermath of Mum’s death we both tried our best way to deal with the issues left. It does not help at times that I was for many years distant while her two boys were growing up, and when I got sober I distanced from one of them due to the way he and his father used sarcasm to hang shit on celebrities I knew were part of the AA fellowship and struggling with issues like food and weight really triggered me.. I just had to take distance from it all one Christmas and I know they were perplexed by my reaction.

Anyway I took my sister out to vote on Wednesday but i had a big reaction in the aftermath.. Much as I like to be there at times my sister’s entire personality changes and I have seen her shifts back and forward for so many years now, it gets tiring.. There was not much conversation on Wednesday as so much goes on deep within the silence with my sister.. I offered to take her out today and she didnt want to go, which is for the best but after the call to see if she was okay and had had some visitors this weekend I just got inundated with emotion.

Earlier as I looked into my dog Jasper’s eyes and saw the love, saw how intently he at times looks into my soul I just cried too. I thought of Scott all those thousands of miles away about to have a birthday and of that Thursday evening in late October when I was called home after work to get the news Dad had cancer. It was one of the few times my Dad cried and expressed his vulnerability and he did that with me.. I was the one to give him blood after the operation and Mum told me that when the blood gave him back his color Dad just smiled at her and said “its all that good blood of Debs”. I know my father loved me but his love was silent so often and so often he erased me too and came down hard on me in the aftermath of Judy’s (my older sister’s aneurysm)….. At this time of the year in the lead up to the anniversary of this, I think of those last tender hugs.. (he was dead within about 10 weeks) and of how deeply painful each ensuing relationship with a boyfriend was in the painful aftermath..until I got sober after meeting my ex husband.

There was Coops the lovely British guy who I met on the Greek Isles who had to leave me behind after only a few weeks. Mirko the drug addicted lost soul who was Dutch like my father but struggling with so many issues.. Then there was Simon the second major love of my life.. We met around the time of year Dad became ill, two years later and he struggled to understand the way I would draw close only to pull away and rage when triggered by too much alcohol or too much unresolved grief. He then ended up abandoning me for a Finnish Girl only to say it had all been a terrible mistake and that I was the most loving person he had ever known. I do thank him for that but his judgement of my unresolved greif and pain was so so painful.

Then there was Greg, the boy who stole my heart in 1989 but would not be strong enough or enough of a man to stand by me after the ectopic pregnancy I sustained about a year into our relationship tht had to be aborted. He dumped me for a second time after sleeping with me pinning the blame on me for everything. No wonder the darkest days of my addiction followed from 1990 – 1993.

I can only thank God that he gave me Jonathan for a while.. Today I was listening to the song Kiss of Life by Sade and i thought of how angels whispered in my ears on the night of June 6, 1993 to go to a certain bar where I would meet Jonathan… We shared so many similar wounds but in time my sobriety journey led me away from him, something I have blamed myself for so unnecessarily for just so many years. Yes, I had attachment woundings but all our later struggles were not my fault and neither he or my mother at times helped me by showing the empathy I needed at the time.. but how could they in a world so geared towards externals and appearances and the burying of emotional trauma?

I need to write to get this tangled up mess in perspective at times.. I find it so hard to just stay in my own center at times and not be pulled into the problems and pain of others.. Last night Scott made mention of the fact that he wont be having any birthday cake unless he pays for it with money he doesnt have.. I just cut the conversation and got enraged… I have helped this bloody guy with nearly all of my savings and I JUST ABOUT FUCKING DONE WITH IT..I got a lot of anger out about it in the car on the way out to walk Japser in the bush by the lake today, listening to the track Iron Sky by Paolo Nutini earlier on. That’s a good song for tapping into passionate intensity over injustice and you should have seen the look of shock Jasper gave me, it wasn’t a scared look it was a “By God Mum you sure are angry” affirmative look that came deep from his soul.I always remind him at times like this by giving him a good ear scratch that I am not angry with him and that he is a GOOD BOY… And I know the anger was necessary and par for the build up as retrograde Mars moves out of opposition with the Sun in Libra and makes its way to the inconjunct over the next month prior to moving forward again..

At times my need to be connected or stay connected for minimum return just gets too much and the FUCKING USE BY DATE IS UP ON IT (pardon my French!) I keep reminding young Debs she doesn’t have to pick up the slack for others and that she is okay as she is.. She just should not have to continue to try so hard to find love out there, but instead spend more times filling up on it from inside her own heart, by honoring her feelings and needs and by connecting to life and nature and the world through those mediums that most nurture and feed her soul with good energy, rather than draining it from her. Poetry, film, music full of emotion, nature, good food and lots of healing silence. Also people who know how to take care of their own lives and needs.

That said to eschew attachments, or the need to depend upon reliable, present external sources is not the way to go. I just think this built up anger and frustration I have carried for so many years along with layers of denial needs to be released somehow, as well as be deeply recognised by my soul. I noticed today that Mercury has gone retrograde (backwards too) in the emotionally intense sign of Scorpio (a note to readers that Mars also rules Scorpio, as well as Pluto) and so there is a lot of pent up Mars stuff going on for many of us right now. As I write the Moon has just passed over Mercury in Scorpio over the past few hours.. So if you felt intense emotions today I may not be alone with it all.

One good thing about Scorpio energy is that is shows us where our passions lie.. The challenge is to use that passion to not derail our own lives.. Anger is so often a sign but it can be a mixed up one at times too. Grief and anger can be mixed up with longing and the need to attach in some way and know that we matter, that we have value and can live true to those values WE (instead of others) deem worthwhile.

When our deepest attachments are such a source of confusion, frustration and pain life can be tough, the trick is knowing how to give ourselves the love we need to break from what hurts and hinders us.. This can be a hard thing to do coming out of chronic emotional neglect.. We all too easily sacrifice our needs, at least until there is no longer a way to silence the cry of protest that comes from the deepest part of us that must be recognised if we are truly to come alive, or come to birth out of the mixed up confusion of it all.

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