Sometimes I hear my ancestors on the breeze. I had one such moment at the park down by the lake today after doing a reading on the 11th step (conscious contact with higher power). It was then a magpie alighted on the table only a few feet away and looked me straight in the eyes..
At times like these I recognise my kinship and feel myself to be a shaman of kinds not to make myself more than I am but that gap between the worlds, of liminal space, well sometimes it just opens up to me before the inner critic has dissed it with some kind of admonishment and I feel things or sense things or energies around me… as open my conscious awareness to the gap opening up between the two worlds.
Then there is the also bittersweet loneliness of this time of night when I am aware of others coming home to family, parents, husbands, wives or lovers and I think of the ancestral information my second cousin was given many years about how fraught this time of night was when my GG granddad used to come home drunk… I think of how my own marriage dissolved as demons called me home and I had this great sense of darkness wash around me when the pull back happened all around the time of the Saturn Pluto opposition in 2011 and of how I went on to suffer spinning attacks at this time of night for years and years and years which felt deeply associated with the spiral DNA helix…
I think of battles with my living sis and how I sometimes cast her as the villain.. sure she has been insensitive at times to my feelings, calling me the tissue queen and naughty little tantrum thrower but I am a 60’s not a 50’s baby and I did not like to tow the line. As Mum’s favorite my sister bonded with her in a more adult way which is complex for my sis now she is passed… Later in life we both had such different bonds with Mum and in the end, as I got sober and started to work through feelings Mum opened up even more and even cried with me at times about Nana’s hardness and unavailability and I began to understand the resonances.. Knowing all of this now does make it a bit easier to see the loneliness as perhaps something essential that may possibly only be temporary for my life is far from over at 58 years of age (fingers crossed!)
Who knows if I am not the villain either from someone else’s perspective (possibly my dogs who got in trouble for digging up the ivy out back to bury a bone earlier today.) I have a shadow and a dark side I know it. Reading some traits of bi polar today I resonated with a few of them… the need to go go to at times, and to suffer crying bouts, to doubt one’s value and worth, to have difficulty modulating impulses and sleep and wake patterns, that said such are the traits associated with Complex PTSD which makes me feel am I deluded in feeling a tad ‘shamanic’ at times?
Like it or not we are dual beings in a black and white universe, not that its the universe that ascribes to monocrome rather the powers that be that much prefer to draw clear lines in the sand that the incoming tide will surely erase every single time. So I will be happy tonight to call myself a mystic dreamer who feels more at home in reverie and imaginal space at times and in the end could not ‘cut’ it in the outside world.
To this day I see myself still creating my own reality while trying my level best to understand that of others, but lately it seems more and more apparent to me that perception is open to multiple levels of morphing akin to what goggles you are wearing and that there are seasons of the soul that reason will never in a trillion years begin to fully encompass the depth and complexity of, nor understand.
And so it is at night I turn to embrace and swim in the soup of ancestral waves as they wash over, longing for the reality of a human body to share a cosy night in with.. Seems like years since I felt the touch of a man’s skin on mine and felt that deliciousness of being enfolded in a loving embrace turning to find the reflection of my soul in another being’s eyes (other than those of my trusty dog Jazzie). Anyway for what its worth here is a run of consciousness outpouring as I wait for sweet potato to bake. Together or alone I am still far more grounded in my soul than I was a few years ago.. Does that rhyme?? Maybe
Where ever you are.I hope you are swimming too.. happy Thursday!