I just read a humble and heartfelt post on someone finding their voice and the strength to speak up, it is a person I admire who endured much emotional abuse and has been sharing here on WP for a long time, if infrequently.. .. It reminds me that I have failed to do this for my sister re her shock treatment… people tell me to let it go and not attach that its all a huge joke, on one level I see the outright ridiculousness of shocking a person who was born into a family run on shock, but I go mute myself in the face of these powers and voices..
Today I did not think I could get out of bed.. I woke two times in the night in such a weird place.. I know it has to do with Mars retrograde.. I see where fear is huge for me, I see I also at times pretend to be stronger than I am, not as an outright attempt to fool people but due to the fact I didn’t see a lot of openness and humility demonstrated in our family.. It never felt safe to ask or say I did not know.. These days I try to educate myself instead of send off a random generalised comment about something more complex, today it had to do with lawyers and I was taking a negative view but I just listened to a very interesting program on Julian Assange and his situation and in it his lawyer was interviewed, an honorable person who is fighting for justice.. Maybe my attitude is sometimes due to a fear or dislike of people in authority when I see them holding power over.. since I so often felt powerless as a youngster and did not see frustration or angst handled well I never got to learn how to have a balanced attitude to it..
For my sister, I just wish she was not going down this path. I pull back when I can, part of the reason I cried so much on Saturday was not over having to run around to look for clothes that then dont suit, its down to the long history of watching so much trauma unfold with both sisters and my mother..I am the one who was on the sidelines being pulled this way and that, years ago I had Mum in and out of hospital and then Sue in and out of psychiatric care, while Judy was in the home, she would call me so much in those final years and I could not see as much of her as I wished.. I miss my older sister despite her damage and trauma. .she was real and strong and loving to me…I find it hard sometimes to feel my living sister’s love but I know it is there, I don’t see her clearly at times and past things she hurt me with due to misunderstanding I do try to let go as best I can.
Today I didnt manage to eat till lunch.. I just got Jasper and I out early for a walk so we could be in nature.. I then got a coffee and took it back down to the lake but the peaceful time got a bit shattered as there is a man who has a corgi dog I have met on various walks and they were both there, he is not a man it is easy to talk to though his dog stayed very close to me the whole time seeking cuddles and pats and nuzzling his face into my legs.. I relate to dogs so well…. anyway when I got home I got into a bit of a panic trimming the gaura plant and I ended up wounding my finger with the secateurs and have a huge blood blister now.. I was looking at a photo of my Mum a day or so ago taken in the final year of her life and her aging hands were covered in these bloody bruises.. I remember her caretaker one day gripping her hand so tight the whole hand came up in a bruise…
I thought of all my Mum struggled with in those final years, dealing with Sue’s suicide attempt and both of us having breast cancer… we never had a soft loving Mum growing up, she was a bloody tornado but in later life she did all she could to provide for and protect us, while at times cutting us both down.. The inner critic I think both of us battle comes from that side of our lineage, more than Dad’s really. Dad was soft but then patriarchal at the same time and wounded me and Judy with this in terms of not allowing us University studies which he saw as a waste of time for girls. Its a thing that bites as I know I have a good mind and am open to learning.. Its not too late but I still had 30 lost years…I love to educate myself, who knows in time I may go back to studies.. that said.. its the emotional closeness I long for most..feeding the mind is one thing but we also have heart needs.
At times I had that closeness with my sister in past years… I don’t want to not be there for her, even when the going is tough.. I just wish I had a voice to say my piece to her doctors..I feel she is just so abandoned at times by her immediate family who don’t really understand what to do and are not at all in tune with emotions.. that is not their fault, just down to how they were raised…and God knows it is not easy having parent struggle with mental illness.
Today I am feeling my powerlessness. But its a sunny day, and I know also as John Mayer says in the song Vultures : “power is made by power being taken” its just that ‘some of us are hardly ever here, the rest of us we’e born to disappear’ (though I think maybe we learn to) maybe due to feeling we never had the power to stand up or the right to exist and know what we need and not just bow down to a so called ‘higher’ authority that may not always know best.. Another attitude to my sister’s dilemma could be also that she needs to go through this in order to feel enough pain to rise up one day and say ‘NO’. its just I don’t see that happening…what to do I do not know.. I will keep praying.. I have to keep finding a way to front up, even when its tough and also to sit it out when I need the space, for its not a black and white situation that is going on at the moment.. at least for me.. and the more powerless I feel at times, the greater my levels of fear, frustration and anxiety. That is why I have to seek for places where I DO HAVE A VOICE AND I DO HAVE POWER TO MAKE LIFE HAPPIER AND LESS RESTRICTED BY OUTSIDE FORCES.. its part of the reason I did a lot of dancing on the walk today to music I love.. there in the arms of nature and the wild open space I feel my soul and spirit so free that I can fly as I leave all of these other worldly shackles that so often confine me behind me, if only for a short while.