If I hurt you in any way I am sorry : afternoon reflections

Massive hospital visit with my sister.. She told me today the only reason she got her hair cut into a style she now no longer likes is that I told her her old style looked like a helmet.. Hearing that back it stung.. Firstly its a harsh thing to say, I tried to explain to her how progressively over time her hair style got harder and harder, no longer as soft as she used to wear it, that comment was the truth from my perspective.. but it shattered me to think I said something that may have hurt her then influenced her to do something she now regrets.. That said I also had to tell her, I am not the only one who has ever said hurtful things, of course she has no memory of the events that led to head injury or the nasty comments in later years, its all been swept away. I told her today I have no interest in keeping score or holding onto this stuff any more, but its a huge enough thing going there and I worried that I may be painting myself as a victim in these blogs reading up on covert narcissism

On the way out I was crying and the lovely psychiatric nurse my sister criticised a few weeks ago, Winnie saw me and stopped me.. she let me just pour out my sadness and confusion and her words to me were this “your sister is a very tough nut to crack, she doesn’t let any of us in.” I told Winnie how it was opening up in AA and in therapy that saved my life and informed her of some of our family history which no one there knows….. my sister lives in a permanent state of anxiety she cannot relieve because all her life and past history is trapped inside, that is how I see it and I don’t want to be made to blame, as she tried to blame me for one of her breakdowns many years ago for events the ensued when I confronted her on a lack of empathy.

Its important for me to write all of this down immediately. I am without therapeutic support until next week although I have been opening up to AA and Al Anon friends…and I arrived home pretty distraught and confused.. I cannot help my sister that much is clear.. Even our visits I just do not know if they are helping her at all, if all of this stuff comes up, partly I think it was a win to break through the resistance to going today just to have another watershed, sometimes I just have to live and take action before I know what the true consequences of said action will be and that is something I read about in a recovery reading a day or so again.. I did not live for so many years. I put my life on hold and went back into trauma freeze.. just lately I am pushing myself on through the ‘storm’ more than being swallowed by it.. Today sitting with my sister I felt her being almost consumed by the inner workings of her mind and her words were “I am not in a good head space.” I don’t think her internal storm ever fully abates and its painful to watch though Winner said she feels the shock treatment is bringing her out again.. I cried about that with her and told her I am terrified it will damage my sister in some way.

To be honest sometimes I am terrified I am going to drown inside all of this family repression and non life.. the words of a Billie Eilish song Everything I Wanted came to mind a moment ago “I tried to scream but my head was under water” lately my attacks and spirals have felt like I am struggling to stay afloat.. maybe the more I am pulled back into my sister’s gravitational field the worse I will feel… I just don’t know but at times it all seems just so overwhelming I honestly fear for my health, stability and life.

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