It might not involve a change of location for me but I don’t want the sadness of my older sister’s illness any more.. This breaks me in two to say but I have had enough of trying.. So often I have only been hurt and I can’t seem to stop crying right now.. I will always love my sister but I just don’t think I can do this any more… its too hard.. too too hard.
I believe God wishes for me the promises of AA to be happy joyous and free. That depends on me making wise choices, only I can make, it may even involve being selfish.. that is all I can come to now.. Why am I sharing it in my blog, just that sometimes its important for me to say how I feel, just to make it real and vocalise it somewhere…
It has scared me to face that if I don’t keep running backward and forward I will be all alone but maybe God even wants that and its not alone, set apart from the rest of the world, just from the family disease. Mars just went retrograde in the final degree of its own sign Aries in the past 24 hours so I can see this reversion as necessary… It will backtrack the past few months of forward movement during the two month retrograde, up for review now is how we are using our energy and will power (or desire energy) for action and self assertion. Insight, skillfulness, discipline and boundaries are up for review or transformation. As it turns backward Mars remains involved in the waxing square to both Saturn and Pluto..
A seed is sown for the transformation of Mars energy in our lives at the conjunction with Pluto and then Saturn that took place earlier this year on 23rd March (Pluto) and 31st March (Saturn) respectively.
The following article and extracts from articles by astrologer Ruby Slipper may help to unpack the energy of this time that occurred around the intensity of initial lockdowns world wide.
Mars conjunct Pluto…
Physical actions will be deeply transformative. There can be a purge as what’s rotten/dying is forcibly expelled – the ultimate spring cleaning. Is there something/someone you need to step away from? This is your moment; restrained efforts will have maximum impact if you focus on your intention to deep clean. You don’t need to advertise your power or intentions; just do what you need to do and you’ll discover that you radiate power that comes from a place of profound honesty (assuming your motivations are honest).
But if this energy is misused, what’s rotten will control external actions. There can be manipulative power-plays and total domination. So it’s all about awareness – what are your true motivations? Are you trying to manipulate or are you truly attempting to make progress? Of course, if you feel the impact of others who use this energy for distorted purposes, know that you’ll be facing something that may be more than you can take on. Resist the temptation to sink to their level -don’t feed their dark fire.
This conjunction is guaranteed to manifest results, for good or ill. This is not an aspect of compromise or compassion – Pluto is all or nothing and Mars in Capricorn gives that agenda authority. If you’re feeling this on a personal level, consider what area of your life can benefit from a depth charge and clean sweep. What needs to be deconstructed so you can assert yourself in a healthy manner?
.. so we are on a journey now to see what works in terms of action and energy and what does not work as well as where others or we are being less than honest or manipulative. At the waxing square we may hit roadblocks and challenges that give us feedback of productive and unproductive ways to go. More will come to light after Mars moves direct again and opposes both energies later in the year : stay tuned, seek inward, listen to your body and self and rest as much as you can, trying to force solutions under the frustration of Mars retrograde can prove to be counterproductive but also holds lessons for all of us.
To be noted………..The Mars square to Saturn remains within a 3° orb from Aug.15 to Oct.09, going through 2 exact passes during that time: Aug.24 and Sep.29. Their final pass is on Jan.13.2021. This can feel as though a long period of forced confinement in which we meet challenges or feel like we are ‘driving a car with the breaks on!’ Though my thought is this may be more intense for those of us who have a challenged Mars in our birth chart…i.e. one that is involved in tense configurations with other astrological heavy weights… such as Saturn, Uranus, Neptune or Pluto and the Mars subtext will differ for each of us.
All of this suggests that the conflicting standards, principles and attitudes at the heart of the current upheaval may not ease up anytime soon, or at least not for very long. The passions being stirred up on all sides are at a very high pitch right now, and the roots of the issues run very deep, even down into unconscious and forgotten collective memory. In other words, the agenda and focus of a group can become cemented into form, yet the long-ago origins may not even be remembered or understood.