I really had to push through all my weird body symptoms this morning.. I am sick of them capturing me to the point I am so fixated on then I cannot move forward, I want to blast through but lately the events of 2001 to 2004 when Jonathan left have been so present and vivid and evoking so much realisation and emotion, then I realised he made that decision to leave me during another Venus opposition to Pluto back in June to August 2004. (the Venus in Cancer opposition to Pluto in Capricorn will be exact in a few days time.. it will then move on to oppose Saturn.)
Today I walked the lake cliff walk crying my eyes out and praying so hard to accept the things I cannot change… Venus is in Cancer now following behind the Sun and Mercury who passed through it a while back and through my 12th house. Cancer represents mothering, emotional bonds and family, it was during a similar eclipse in 2001 to one we had earlier this year that so much came up at my work at the Botanic Garden which was like a close knit family group to me for over 2 years.) Today I was shown in mediation how the family dynamic got constellated there in a way that mirrored my own…
My job share colleague who I loved lost her job due to another colleague causing some friction, when it all blew up I was going through a lot of intense emotion in therapy and Jonathan was away in Greece with a friend since my therapist only took holidays in August and so I had to too, and it made my husband angry so in June he decided to go away with an old friend. It really triggered me at the time and felt so sad and unfair to the point that in the end I also ended up handing in my resignation.. quite an over reaction.. but there you go.
Discussing it in therapy yesterday Kat said how much happiness and life I had in my voice as I spoke about the people I worked with (and loved) there. We spoke about me splitting and putting things that I loved to death, it is not uncommon for recovering alcoholics and those of us with developmental attachment wounds to self sabotage and push away the good or to react by moving away or having a dummy spit when triggered. And this is why I was crying and feeling so tormented on my cliff walk today.. My angels had a little chat to me and said to me it wasn’t my fault I got triggered, and that I needed to practice self compassion, they said to sit on the earth in the sun and give all my pain to God. Roz leaving just triggered how it felt when I was only 3 and my older sister left for overseas, and then how devastating it felt when she came unstuck with the cerebral bleed after I prayed for her to return to Canberra in the late 1970s.
I also thought of how even after I handed in my resignation in disgust the Botanic Garden for how Roz was treated and decided to throw in the towel and come home, when I realised it was a over reaction my ex husband would not let me go back on the decision and so we came home and it was like coming back into the dark, into a place of no life and I yearned so much for all I had left behind.. 6 months later I took myself back to the UK alone to pursue more therapy but still didn’t work hard enough to pull myself forward and build a foundation there allowing family guilting and shaming me for going away and leaving him alone to pull me back again… I wish I could just let all this stuff go, maybe it will come in time after the processing that is taking place now, and maybe having contact with my ex husband in some way pulls me back.
This is why I really forced myself into the present day today to walk despite feeling the gravitational pulling that wanted to pull me into inertia. I am aware that Mars will go retrograde for 2 months soon and that it just passed the waning square with both Pluto and Saturn.. Mars Saturn puts blocks on forward energy and I have them both in Aquarius very close to my Moon at 6 degrees.. that to me represents the maternal family fate which actually had deep roots extending back to Cornwall in the UK. Somehow I see it all as deeply interconnected, fate brought me Jonathan, we went back there together and then I had the push pull struggle between my own desire for a separate new life in a place I loved (which was also the site of so much ancestral trauma) and the pull of my two ‘mothers’ who were at that time struggling so so much. Judy died in 2014 and Mum 3 and a half years later, so when I eventually found the strength to come home again in 2011 I had those 3 and 6 years with them both in the final years, its just I sacrificed so much of my own life to do it.
Today I need to cut myself some slack. Its in only natural past relational and attachment issues will rear their head during Venus transits to Pluto which show us what lies hidden from the past and may block us or need to be brought to light from the unconscious or shadow to be transformed. And when Venus faces off with Saturn in a week or so we have to practice extra hard to be loving and kind to ourselves as often Saturn just shames us and confronts us with all the things that may not be working.. it may also be telling us to set some boundaries, even if only with our own inner critic.
As therapist John Conger writes the body is the shadow or the unconscious, it is the container of all the experiences of our lives, they live deep in our cells and then rise up for a viewing, sometimes through triggers in the environment, sometimes through dreams, sometimes in bursts of emotion or insight we have or projections we experience onto people or outside events which act as triggers for us to release the stored vibrational charge.
I sometimes feel those charges blow up and this is the time to try to be as aware and mindful as I can be of how I react in the face of them. Back in June 2001 I could not react mindfully, I lacked the insight and emotional maturity…Certain things that lie in the past I just cannot change; that may be a source of suffering which is when I have to pray hard as I can and make every effort to redirect my energy into a more hopeful, joyous or promising direction rather than keep fixating on it over and over and over on repeat..
Today I am going out to get a new rug and new remotes for my garage to replace the two I lost in last weeks, I know these are only external things but I have to keep placing my focus in the now.. Kat mentioned yesterday that in time I may like to do what she does, train as a therapist to help others, when I think about it that would make my heart sing, it would be a a way of making use of what happened to me to help others… surely I didn’t go through so much not to put it good use. One thing is for sure, I cannot change the past, I can only take its lessons forward while remembering that the present I create now depends very much upon my own mindfulness, ability to accept my defects or mistakes as part of being, human. It also depends upon embracing those things that bring me joy or deepen my relationships to others and to my soul. I have opportunities on every day to turn my energy actions towards loving, life affirming actions rather than destructive self negating ones in the present.