There is a new sense growing within me lately of wanting to let my past go. Kat my therapist said to me recently when I mentioned I was worried about going over and over old traumas that a time would come when I had done that enough and what I am sharing with her lately and in my blog I haven’t shared before..I do it even though at times J feel a sense of shame…releasing the shame by being open is a risk I take in order to be authentic and externslise old wounds to bring light awareness and healing even if that just means acceptance of harsh realities.
My sister going down again into the grips of anxiety and depression is tough but not as overwhelming as it was in the past. Yes visiting on Wednesday I did get completely over come with grief but that was an appropriate response to where she is at and it fully acknowledges the depths of our collective trauma.
These morning I woke still spun around by the enormity of what my journey has been but I get out and active or into a good space in nature far sooner than ever before. Today I felt rage ovee how little backup my brother is showing and how his dissociation is impacting on certain things that need to be done to finalise my Mum’s estate. But that is better than denying how this makes me feel. I read a good post on reaction formation by Dr Perry on WP yesterday and it made sense. Sometimes I deny how family make me feel or allow myself to act from a place of wanting to do the ‘right things even if it truly us all wrong for me. Collapsing or fawning is an old pattern and one damaging response to trauma abuse neglect or Complex PTSD.
Today I am sitting un the car by the lake in the rain.. it’s been very gloomy weather here for 10 days now but I’m trying my best to fund light and brightness. I don’t always feel comfortable in the house Mum pushed me into..I think of moving it would be one solution to gain some financial.power if my inheritance continues to be blocked.
Apart from this I want to.look forward now, instead of looking back. I am so sad my ancestors suffered isolation and hardship but I hate seeing it repeat. My sister is still living out our great great grandfather’s pattern. I wish she would get off the drugs and find her inner power but maybe her path is different. I don’t want to judge but I hate seeing her held so captive to negative thinking and fear.
I will.pray as that is the best solution. I didn’t cause her problem and I cannot cure or control it either and I don’t want to sit around helplessly crying all of the time when visiting her. I’d rather be a voice and force of positivity and help her smile again.but maybe she IS carrying a lot she hasn’t yet had help to process unpack or work through..
Today even though I’m alone I am so very grateful..most of all that I don’t have to keep collapsing.. on any day there is something positive I can do to feel more alive and connected..doing do means attuning to my soul and finding ways to be at peace with what life presents in any day while finding courage to change what I feel I can, if anything to make life brighter for myself and other people.