I semi slept was semi awake last night. My sister was one of my first thoughts this morning, so much compassion for how hard she has struggled to live and how difficult its been for her with all of the deep dives and no one much to listen to her inner world. With her Saturn in Scorpio she always says to me “I am such a private person” She doesn’t share the truth with many people that she suffers anxiety and depression…. so that makes it harder.
Last night I got a sense of faith and trust in God. Scott often tells me we need to trust in God’s process which is often painful, so I know that somewhere angels are holding my sister but from what our family friend said last night she is in a dark place. This morning sorting out things to wash my higher power came through with these words from the Big Book so often read in 12 step meetings “we sought his protection and care with complete abandon” so I got down on my knees this morning and prayed and kept moving forward to embrace the day.. I so long to be alive.
The place is full of light, is a crisp clear very very icy winter morning here and evidence of God and nature and the Universe’s love is all around me. I have faith that life is worth living and I want to be fully alive for it, but it is in the quiet and stillness I often feel closest to my soul and source. The world out there can be a stage, as Shakespeare said… people strut on it with all of their individual personality disorders and quirks, myself included. I read a brilliant post from Benny K of The Written Addiction last night I will link to below where he spoke of the many different people he has been in his life. He also spoke of how humans are motivated always by a seeking of comfort and relief from pain when really pain is a great motivator and teacher and we may actually stand to gain more by facing it.
In 12 step recovery we do a ‘searching and fearless moral inventory”. Its interesting as I recognised last night that the primary feeling I feel in relation to my sister is fear. I fear and don’t fully trust the psychiatric system.. This newer doctor of hers seems to reduce her meds but the last reduction combined with her drinking and doing too much to distract herself led to this latest collapse. I know it is a fine balancing act with anxiety, depression and addiction and we have to fine tune ourselves all the time especially those of us who live with emotional dysregulation which makes it hard to differentiate what we feel, and how to deal with those feelings not by reacting or acting out but my marshalling and alchemising them.
Today I made a choice not to let thoughts about the ‘storm’ in my body dictate my movements.. I am up writing and I have an apple baking in the oven with cloves and blueberries for breakfast. I am getting out after that to be in the bush and walk Jasper.. these are the things that feed my soul. And I recognise my need for grounding in the moment, in present time, and in my body to be fully alive with gratitude for that life. In time I will be brave enough to visit my sister, when the time is right. My sister is in God’s hands and the hands of the doctors… She made that choice on Friday after telling me it on Wednesday it wasn’t what she wanted…she is on her path and that is none of my business. All I can do is keep loving and hold to my emotional truth for me..
Today I thank God for my sobriety.. I thank God for all the manifold gifts in my life. I thank God for parents who tried so hard but struggled on an emotional level due to all the trauma our legacy generated.. Today I know it wasn’t their fault.. it was just the working out of evolution. I can let go of resentment knowing its not useful to me… I have carried a HUGE ancestral burden but I am recognising it and therapy and my blog and poetry helps me to give it a voice (words can never express the gratitude I feel towards this WordPress community… you are all my brothers and sisters in soul!!!) and separate the essence of myself out from it while acknowledging it will always be a part of making me me. ….I honor my ancestors and all they lived through and I thank them for the life they gave me, cells of cells within cells….echoing and evolving over time in this profoundly mysterious quantum universe of life and nature.
The link to Benny K’s post can be found below