I am trying just to pray for my sister today.. I had an insight that she is where she needs to be.. She can rest in hospital, have all meals provided, be surrounded by others, find peace.. I long for that to be honest, to be taken care of and have no responsibilities much. Today I just got back from a long walk in the middle of it Jasper decided to role in a huge pile of horse pooh he was covered all over with it by the time we got back to the car, luckily I bought 40 baby wipes last Monday to keep in the car so I got a bit of it off him then and there and then dumped him in the bath when we got home, but by the time I sat down after trying to wash it all off I was exhausted.. I remembered just to sit, pause and breathe even when he was in the car afterwards and stunk to high heaven.. I encouraged myself not to rush to clean up the mess.. I was actually crying while walking along for some time when it happened and this mess is my life.. There is so much going on I have no control over.
Guidance came to me earlier today to read this reading from the Al Anon reader: Courage to Change. It’s spot on for me.. I forget at times to turn situations over, to let go and let God.. When it comes to alcoholism and its long term affects this is most necessary as it is baffling and powerful the way highs and lows as well as the urge to live and want to die oscillate not only in my sister’s illness but in my own life.. It seems to me that we live with this two forces all of the time and in some lives one or the other force dominates. We also so often seem to restle with things so far outside or our control or drive ourselves mad with worry.
I felt that huge void of lonelieness lying in bed this morning contemplating a world in which my sister has gone below ground again, but sometimes more of her soul self seems available then, even in the silence. For myself I need to remember the 3 Cs of alcoholism. I didn’t cause it, I cannot control it, nor cure it..
The reading that helped me today is shared below :
Its only natural to want a quick fix or an immediate solution to a difficult situation. As one member jokingly puts it: “God grant me patience, Lord – and hurry!” Do I have some pain or discomfort or another problem in my life? Let me fix it, or be rid of it now. Is it a situation I have lived with for twenty years? Fine. I’ll give it fifteen minutes. Perhaps I have lived with it all of my life – well then a few weeks or two. Is it connected with alcoholism? Do its roots run really deep in the ground of my being? In that case I’ll make a few program calls and share at a meeting.’
Its it still hanging on? Very well, I will launch a major campaign of self criticism. What’s wrong with me (or someone else)? Why do I have all these feelings about something that isn’t important? I’m sure I caused all of this myself: that somehow I’m to blame.
Heaven forbid I should surrender, accept the discomfort, and pray for guidance.
Willpower cannot eliminate in a day troubles that have taken root and flourished in my life for decades. Things take time.
You cannot create a statue by smashing the marble with a hammer, and you cannot by force of arms release the spirit or soul of man.