Getting going was such a struggle today, I feel the approach of Moon to Pluto and when I finally got into the car and managed to get out into a peaceful place to read my book, the phone went and it was my brother. There is usually a reason he calls, its never just to ‘see how I am going’ and the reason only became apparent towards the end of the call, to tell me my sister had been put back in hospital.. the news hit me like sledgehammer, because its the opposite of what she said she wanted the other day, and because of the grief, as soon as I got the news and it sunk deep down inside me I started crying and its been hard to stop the tears ever since.
I rang an Al Anon friend as I knew they would understand and let me cry and then I acknowledged the first step “I am powerless over the disease of multigenerational addiction, depression and my family.” The tears come with the recognition I am not in control and earlier I rabbited on with my brother saying how I don’t believe in meds and that its a family disease but what is the point as he ended the conversation soon afterwards and that is just my personal point of view.
Nevertheless I cannot explain how and why it has hit me so hard. My sister is the one person I see with any regularity and the loneliness of my life is glaring the one person I connect to I talk to over text and there is a still minimal possibility they are not even real.
I truly understood its been so much for my sister to generate her own life all alone.. She has reached out so much and got through so much since she got out of hospital in October last year, but it now seems to be that her going back and forwards to hospital is going to be an ongoing thing and I need to accept it.. I also have to accept my limits as to being able to give and give and give any more and I am sure she realises this, has not in fact, even asked for it… so its a pressure I put on myself because I love her and it has hurt to see her not really with it at times she has been having quite a bit to drink at different get togethers. I did not like to share at one dinner she was slurring her words and wobbling on her feet and that was probably down to the combination of meds being changed and her drinking on the top of them. I see her hunger to be connected and how hard she tries and my heart just melts in compassion but I also see the front she puts on.. and there is only so far we can go with putting on ‘the glad wrags’…
Kat and I were talking about this cultural need this week for us to look good, to put on a smile, to not show sadness or anger or any out of control emotions. Well we are human so we can only go so far down that pathway.. Today with all the tears shed I feel I am yet again back in that place of having to hold all of the family feeling… They will be medicating her again and I don’t believe she is ever going to regain the power to cry… not that we must cry all the time but there is a place where genuine feelings need to be released. At times talking we share those things but the ECT she had a few years ago seems to have erased a lot of her memories and emotions.
I took myself into town after getting that news to have lunch but could not even bear to be around the shops after it, I just wanted to get home to my old weather board place and back to my inner self life and ‘reality’ here.. There is nothing in the outside world that can fill me up in the way my inner connection to higher power does… its an empty quest when we begin to look around outside ourselves for wholeness or love, that is how its feeling today…I am alone and will always be alone.. I feel my sister moving further and further away from me today.. almost as if she is being sucked down into a vortex but maybe hospital is the best place for her right now. At least there she is close to others all day and lovingly contained unlike being disconnected in a high rise unit and working out four or more days a week. So much as I cry a deeper part of me understands why she needed to go back to hospital. This is about God’s will not mine and so I must recognise that as Mars moves closer and closer to its square with Saturn and Pluto in Capricorn. I just have to keep praying to God to keep centered close to my soul and nature for it is only when centered in these my deeper void is filled in a way it seems impossible to be in the outer world of humans. In that place the natural emotions of my soul flow like water and I use them for my poetry, inner insight and to generate a sense of completion, wholeness and meaning that can only be birthed from within.
Later in the afternoon her son called me to say he is confused as to why she has now ‘crashed’ again.. he said he also feels so helpless sad and anxious about it, earlier when I wrote this post I said I thought I would be excluded with her being medicated as my and I medication stance would be seen as compbarative but that was not the case at all. I see more ckearly that he us a human struggling too and at times I reach wrong conclusions out of wounding or fear…sometimes there is misunderstanding too Sue to.lack if communication
Today I woke feeling sad for my sis but glad she is somewhere she can be cared for. I ho0e she gets t access her emotions one day but that is out of f my hands. She has her own 0ath to travel and all I can do is love and support her where she us accepting the reality on any day even when it varies from what I so long for for my dear sid.