So often we want to eradicate the darkness.. maybe its a result of the airbrushed culture we live in, that images and ideals rule more than the honest to goodness raw reality of living… that contains mess, uncertainty, confusion and the upside down ins and outs of complexity and paradox that really is part of all creation..
We all create splits and divides and polarities.. we live in a world of dualities : dark and and light, day and night, wrong and right but there are shades of grey or movements of light that accompany the entire spectrum which is circular, not flat out and linear with no bumpy, lumpy bits.
I watched one of my favorite movies The Devil Wears Prada yesterday and as soon as I just wrote the word ‘lumpy’ I thought of the scene where the character Miranda tears apart Andrea’s blue ‘lumpy’ sweater in the scene where she waxes on about the history of color spectrum choices influenced by the design ‘greats’ all with aim of pointing out Andrea’s ‘ignorance’. In that movie what is considered acceptable and chic is soon revealed to be full of dark underbelly of ruthlessness and emptiness… It is a narcissistic world where power and accomplishment and ‘taste’ are seen as inherently more superior.. A world in which you can be cut to shreds or killed off by a look. Inn the end the lead character, Andie decides she does not want to live in that world which is devoid of feeling all for the purpose of pursuing a certain ‘agenda’ geared around ‘success, overcoming and disempowering ‘opponents’ and out playing the players…
In my own life it is a victory for me to be both chaotic and messy at times. I feel good being able to wear my ‘daggy’ clothes and think less of what other’s think about what I am wearing, saying, feeling, doing or not doing.. I am glad I can have my darker or more messy emotions at times without shame.. I even see why I was rejected one time too many for being ‘too real’. Reading that poem by trauma survivor Nikita Gill during the week on Silence and speaking up helped me to see that I have courage to enter places others fear. So what if I get ‘rejected’ I can only go home to myself in the end….
I also know that not everyone in the world will judge or reject me and that the love I always longed for really always rested within my own heart. That said finding a therapist who could act as a positive mirror to me has been invaluable in my healing journey.. without Kat I would not now be moving into a more humble grounded sense of power that I sometimes feel lately where I have the capacity to say ‘Yes’ to what is arising and allow my own True Self to live and be less killed off by fear and introjected, inaccurate ‘judgments’..
These days I can differentiate between emotional ‘warmth’ and ‘coldness’ I always burned with a fire, my ascendant is a fire sign, Leo and Uranus my planet of awakening is in the first house in Leo.. I know now where both Sun and the Moon live for me, and how much our family suffered from the haunted ghost of the lost wounded masculine… all along the ancestral line.. That archetypal theme played out for Mum and my two sisters and I throughout our lives in different ways.. In time maybe it will turn around.. all I know is that when I reach out to father and husband not only myself but others and my family too, then I am working on healing a deep wound that always called out to me..
It was in my darkness that I found my light, it was through my helplessness that I found my power, it was through my weakness I found my strength.it was through feeling not only by feelings but the buried feelings of my ancestors that I found my own way to an inner truth that resonates collectively. Had I rejected all of these things I would only be half the person I am today.