A storm in my body

At times my dysregulation is painful, I am more aware of each choice I make lately, towards or away from something.. I let myself give some more help to someone who needed it within the limits of what I can afford.. I just feel that if I can help someone in need I will and I know it conflicts with what I wrote yesterday.. I searched my heart and my conscience and that answer was to give a small amount of help and it was gratefully received… I am interested when I share with others about this stuff of those who have the ‘answers’ about what I ‘should’ and ‘should not’ do… In the end, as it says in the 12 steps we ‘made (make) a decision’ and that relates to the opening up and/or cutting off of one other path of action or non action. As it says in the Bhagavad Gita … we have control over our actions but not the long term fruit of our actions.. life is complex!

I got stressed when the person in question tried to talk to me on the phone, I needed to walk today and get my food and veggie shopping, even though its cold and wet, I forced myself to endure that in order to get my body moving I had a trauma cascade before that, its all related to my breath and digestion, both of which I labor with at times.. maybe when its so ‘freezing’ here temperature wise it reminds me of all the times i was ‘frozen’ in place. I will often be drawn back in memory to that vision of my sister’s bloated body after the suicide attempt in 2013, as well as seeing her nearly catatonic after ECT. I am no longer sure of the chain of events but I am sure the first followed the second though she was hospitalised so many times from 2012 – 2019 its hard to remember.. in the midst of it I had three roots canals, had to have two teeth extracted and then come to terms with wearing a denture, support my Mum through a near death embolism following botched knee replacement surgery and then support her after a major fall, taking her to casualty off and on in the final years of her life when she struggled with ongoing pain. In the middle of this my now dead sister’s older son who no longer talks with me due to the ‘Scott’ issue came to stay two times with his wife and two times alone when my older sister and then mother died.. He moved further away after Mum’s death while his brother drew closer and I found out so much of the terrible psychosis my older sister was in after her own stroke.

Just writing this all out helps me to see how admirable it is that I am still alive and relatively sane and able to help others if I can… the brother of this boy I am helping was shot last week and he needed money for the hospital bills. Scott told me to cut him off and not help which is ironical. They lost their mother a few years ago and now Emmanuel wants to call me ‘Mum’ which makes me a bit anxious to be honest….

Having gone through trauma I will help those with trauma… its just a fact.. I am not close to a lot of people and most of the ones I am close to either have known me from a child or have trauma themselves.. .its just the way has gone.

I struggle with my feelings at times but at least I am alive, raw and feeling them, so what if i react out of feelings at times… I think of the endless inner judgements I used to (and still have to) battle most days as a child of emotional neglect, turning against my self so often and think its admirable I can let that voice yammer on now and not pay it as much attention. it all comes out of fear and perfectionism anyway and as we say in the fellowship all the time. We strive in recovery for progress rather than perfection… Today I have eaten walked, shopped and cared for myself while helping someone else.. to me that is a good day… I drove past Mum’s place on the way home from the markets and cried less than I did even a year ago… slowly I am integrating my life.. and showing up… and I AM SO VERY VERY PROUD OF MYSELF AND WHO I AM.. I HONESTLY AM.