In therapy sometimes lately there are no words, its just a deep soul recognition of what I have endured and not said no to out of lack of self love and at times I cry with all of this. This must be a good sign, to have a witness self that can truly feel it all instead of making up stories or justifications to deny the sorrow and pain and darkness I have so often felt. To find the courage to embrace it.
Alex left a wonderful comment today on one of my earlier blogs about unhealed wounds about how essential it is to embrace our ‘dark’. Indeed our feelings and experiences only made more dark or hidden when silenced by the heroic egoic society we now live in and it pays all of us recovering from trauma and trying to find a voice for what we endured as well as to find ways of remembering and expressing all our feelings and experiences of trauma so we don’t get depressed..
There will be people who lack the courage to hear it and may shut us down again or try to, and there is an excellent poem by Nikita Gill called Silence which says if we share about how we were victimised others will see us as a victim or even less than even though the courage demanded to find a voice for trauma in this air brushed culture is enormous.. We who have lived through the storm or shock and awe of trauma and abuse often need to cry out loud about it, even roar like a Lion… and it pays to bear in mind that my parents society (those born in the 1920s) had Neptune in Leo and their inner child was so often brutalised or left unmothered or unfathered due to the first World War and depression. A lot of the suffering of their inner children is carried by us the following generations.
Can any of us image the damage to the men that survived the horror of World War One and had to come home and stay silent about it? I am reading a novel at the moment that draws on this called The Biographer’s Lover... in it the author asks us to image how it was for the generation to grow up with wounded fathers especially…and then to endure the horror of depression and war..
These kinds of traumas are acknowledged more now.. Each of us who has trauma need to find a way to give vent to it and not let ourselves be silenced. If we need to cry we must cry but we must not let our sense of outrage or anger be turned only into tears because we must empower our self to move through it even as we carry memories and scars or wounds that will never leave us.
I am encouraged by the writing of Glennon Doyle who asks us not to shy away from our darkness, sorrow, pain or sense of outrage but use it to motivate us to take action to help others who suffer and to be a voice..for anyone who continues to be victimised.. not to deny we were a victim but recognise that we don’t have to stay disempowered once we can use the repressed charge for forward movement, rather than even further self abnegation….I was glad I could cry this afternoon but I didn’t stay in the tears. I pressed myself out for a second bush walk today…..I am beginning to be able to move through the freeze state better some days… and I thank God for that. I am not as fully ‘collapsed’ as I used to be.
Never let anyone
tell you that it was easy
for you to have the fire,
the storms, the oceans
to speak your mind
that you have today.