Even though I have no children I know the mothering impulse is essential to me.. I missed out on the time with my Mum growing up so much.. She was never home and often she was in a whirlwind.. the times we got to be close would be when she would wash my long hair but she decided at about the age of 6 my long hair was too much trouble and needed to be cut very short.. I found this distressing.. I had the braces on my teeth from age 16 to 17 and the pain of the headdress I had to wear every night with a bit like construction that fitted into the two upper back teeth and was held tight in place by a black harness was excruitiating.. now when my teeth ache due to stress or due to the denture I now wear I am reminded of the pain of that horrible contraption holding down on my head hard.
Funny didn’t even mean to write about that until it flowed out. I longed not be hurt so much as a child, to not be left alone so much.. I was particularly hard when my older sister left as she was a kind and free spirited very loving person, very full on and passionate. When she left I missed her so much and longed for her.. my other sister could be cruel at times and resented me.. This is not a poor me post its a post to come to terms with the deprivation and hunger I so often felt and had to bury.
I never gave birth to children but have mothered my dog.. I guess in giving all the money I did to someone I thought needed it I was mothering too.. When Mum was ill and Judy in the home and Sue in psychiatric care I gave all the love I could when it was needed.. But so often I did not feel it coming back.. Since Sue is recovering she has tried in some ways to do so by offering me a meal here and there… and I am grateful for these gifts. When Mum was alive she would take us out for a meal or she would come by and visit me.. She did try…I see how she tried in later life to make it up and I see how I withdrew when my wounds woke up 11 years into sobriety..I had not learned how to mother and nurture myself. At times it seemed ‘selfish’ to do it..and by that time I had so much unhealed trauma behind me I have needed therapy to address in order to feel it all through. Kat has been a loving mother to me, always there to open the door to me at each session and standing at it at the end of each one to wave me bye down the stairs.
The current lesson of now is that I need to pull back and mother me.. I need now to build a good life and I am sad to say I don’t think looking online for love was a great idea back in 2018 after Mum died… still its the path I went down…. the feeling I have now is that when love wants to come to me it will find me, if I just keep opening up to life and find the passions that fill my soul with meaning.. Redemption does not lie anywhere outside of me really… its only when I have peace inside I really have anything at all useful to give.
Its getting easier to detach now when I feel the pull of false guilt or ‘obligation’. Emotional vampires use F.O.G. FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT to keep you hooked I found a good site on that a few years back that helped to explain it.. When we are unmothered our instincts for self protection are not good and we believe we have to give to get love… which is true on some level in that in order to love we need to be able to reach out and extend ourselves into another’s reality BUT NOT AT THE SAKE OF OUR OWN SELF.
Too many people only have an agenda at times and it pays to be savvy if you are a sensitive empath or have mothering wounds for who could be toxic to you.. its taking me a long time to figure this one out.. Someone I know called me an ‘idiot’ and not an adult last night for continuing to give money to Scott.. Well I just kept on believing until I could not believe any more and I kept giving hoping it would be returned.. now I cannot give any more in the wrong way….. its all about mothering and fathering myself in a good way now.. maybe I had to go through so many mistakes to learn how best to do that..