the greatest paradox of life may be that what we most long for, we most fear.. I was thinking to day of an acronym FAG for fear, anger and grief, when we struggle to manage these forces or emotions they can get the better of us and even sabotage our life.. We may be running scripts on past disappointments or attachment wounds that stop us in the now from fully embracing all that is and for some of us handling and containing these emotions is very difficult, even recognising them can be difficult.
Often emotions can masquerade. When we don’t acknowledge our fear and hold it and befriend or unpack it, the tendency is to try to displace it. Who knows if a lot of injuries sustained in childhood don’t just come about as a result of fears our parents have or had. I do remember being fearful of my parents and I cried a lot reading the chapter in Lorna Byrne’s book on angels when she spoke of miscarriages and abortions. How the soul of the baby already knows it will happen and they always love the parent and stay close to them.. She said that often a girl or woman may be too scared to have a child or cannot talk to anyone about it. One of the most painful terminations I had was in the final couple of years of my addiction. I could tell no one and at the time I aborted my naturopathy studies. I even had a flat mate but I was too ashamed to tell her and so she moved out and my drinking was way out of control at this point..
At a particular point in my sobriety I wrote letters to each of the children I could not bring to term, I named them and explained why while I did the grief work.. I may share these letters in therapy over the next few weeks, although I cried all through that particular chapter in Angels in my Hair and experienced a release around this last weekend.
Things are still revealing themselves to me… The issue of the scam is getting clearer.. It turns out Scott is genuine but he is very angry I had contact with one of his colleagues even though I didn’t instigate it.. I have told this guy the truth and if Scott knows that I know he will never talk to me again as he is ashamed of asking for my help. I cannot do anything about it.. he cut off contact when I wouldn’t validate his anger. I am not put on this earth to ‘baby’ anyone.. I sent him a video text today to tell him I cannot be involved in this any more.. When he gets off deployment he can pay my money back but I am not even bothered at this point. The angels told me its all working out for good and all of this has a higher purpose for everyone involved. The saddest thing is that Scott’s colleague was genuinely concerned and all Scott could do was say he hated him and wanted to kill him…
For me this has been a major lesson in boundaries.. In the video text I sent to him I said am sick of being ‘nice’. The truth is stronger, more willfull people use nice people, Scott had his own agenda and every time I tried to set a boundary he kept pushing me just like in the dream where that guy kept pushing his tongue into my mouth even though it was hurting the teeth that hold my denture. I cant ‘bite’ down on this stuff and more. I was frothing at the mouth when I sent the text by the lake…but I am glad I have done it.. This is war for me and I have to fight for the final time. I want to be free. I have been bound up by trapped assertive energy so long and Uranus long slow square to natal Mars Saturn Moon is trying to free me up. Its moving backward across that now and when it moves forward will begin to square my Sun Venus Mercury Jupiter square natal Neptune which represents my high empathy and ‘foggy’ boundaries.
Getting a handle on where Fear Anger and Grief are playing out in my life takes work but is so necessary.. I had fear of anger for so long and paired with fear of abandonment its made me accept a lot of stuff I should not have. A valued follower shared about false guilt in a comment yesterday.. I had never heard of the term before but it made sense to me.. I feel guilt for things that are not my responsibility due to no one showing up for me in childhood… I was crying bout that in the video I made on Monday I was unable to upload.
I am more ‘in’ myself today.. Jasper and I got out for a walk at 10.30 for the first time in ten days. I feel so much happier on these days.. Just to touch base with nature and let my feelings flow help. I had to really push myself through body symptoms yesterday both to walk and get to Thursday therapy for the first time ‘in rooms’ for 3 months… That paid off and I am grateful for Katina .. she doesn’t have the ‘answers’ for me but she contains me and that is a priceless gift for a person who was so uncontained and unmediated in childhood.