I wrote this a few days ago.. I didn’t post it then because I think I am all over the place with the ‘Scott’ dilemma but I resolved to be both honest and mixed up in my blog so here goes:
How do I know what is real, until I feel and touch and taste it? We live in such a virtual world now, there are no end of people to meet online and I have made brilliant and super genuine connections here on WP that feel so real, even if so remote but then there are the others reaching out to you for some purpose with some agenda…everyone following me for a while knows what has gone on with me for a while now… I kept talking to someone who claims to be real, I am no longer helping them. People want me to cut the person off but I cannot do it just yet… I am still too invested. there is a chance I may try and go and meet him to see who he really is. I just don’t know at this stage. I just know I hit my limit with giving and I see how wrong it was to keep doing it, at least for my heart and yet its not wrong to try is it? Its not wrong to have some faith and continue to open your heart but then there just comes a point when you know its too much, you have been hurt one too many times. Even ‘Scott’ said to me at 6 am this morning, that he has brought me no happiness and its killing him….its a no win situation and yet by the grace of God I am smiling today. Also thought it is patchy I am sleeping better.. this week I had 3 earlier nights and they paid off. last night I slept from 11 – 4 am then 7 till 8.30. that’s not so bad…when I am connecting with Scott aside from all the money it seems so real.. When I suggested flying over to meet him this morning he asked me to come.. getting to meet him would solve all of the doubts..
Right now the lesson I am finding is to make friends with my loneliness and my life and inside the loneliness is not always lonely its just solitary but then there are the times I am connected too, that are like islands of reality within the sea of all alone….I think of how many times the wish to meet has been frustrated now.. its about 4 times now…so I am probably crazy for not dropping out but then energetically something happens… Someone suggested to me last night that scammers use black magic to tied you in.. but the photo of Scott sent to me by Owen seems pretty genuine… that said it could all be fake. what ever I am not giving another cent… and I am praying all the time lately for the wisdom to know the best thing to do… letting go may be the very best option at this stage.. and just accepting that, at least for now, God intends fo me