My heart and I seem to have made good friends over the past while.. even thought I have been hitting into the depths of so much painful emotion over the last month, in the past 24 hours I have felt a shift.. Just hearing from my ex stirred up so much, meeting that lovely older gentleman, Glen was a gift and I keep thinking about the angels a lot.. they seem to conspire to do things that keep me somewhere or divert my path at times so I meet someone…even having to stay in when the water pipes got broken by the water man and trust the plumber wound turn up to fix it helped me realise that although the past cannot be changed some things can be repaired and put right.
I have held on in therapy when I had several of those painful tears with my therapist, Kat… she let me down a couple of times but it was boundary stuff and three times she owned her part which really helped and I am so glad I didn’t cut her off in anger those times because most of the time she is so attuned to my real self. Repair can come in relationships if both parties are willing to open up, try to understand the other person’s reality and forgive. Forgiveness can come in time even when we have been hurt deeply if we realise people don’t just exist on this earth to suit our purposes in life and temperament but their own, and I am learning sadly we cannot be close to certain members of our family, sometimes we just have to let go of trying to be seen or struggle so hard…and find other family.. our family of choice.
WordPress blogging has been amazing for me in this way, over 6 years people come and go, some stay and you don’t comment or exchange a lot but knowing they are there means so much…..during the really dark years after my sister Judith died and I was coming out of long term damage of neglect and narcissistic abuse I often felt suicidal and on those days when I shared I always found someone here who reached out, same the other day when I was struggling my good friend Carol Anne reached out and that did me so much good to reach back.. slowly I am learning who can and cannot see the true me and that brings gratitude into my life.
I am also learning to hold my own hand and make the best of things.. I am going through yet another round of mistrust with Scott who takes it all in his stride and just keeps loving me through it, he has to get off deployment some time and from now on I am caring for myself and when I do I get the care and understanding back. After so may years of being terrified to set boundaries or say ‘No’ I am beginning to understand how empowering it is do to so…I seemed to lose myself so much when I was younger through not really knowing, loving and accepting myself. I know now what a bloody tough and lonely childhood I had, I see how it impacted other relationships, especially the underground anger my mother and sister’s carried and often acted out on me…in violent ways. My older sister much as I loved her was basically abusing alcohol and drugs and encouraging me to do the same from about the age of 13 onwards, I didn’t have a lot of healthy emotionally engaged role models around me and was effectively thrown out on my own after Dad died. I am glad for those adventures overseas but it was a lonely dark time too…and I endued three very painful relationships between the ages of 22 and 28 that left deep fears and scars.. It was not really the emotionally healthy guys I was attracted to and I see now how they struggled to understand me.
In the end understanding myself has been the most important thing… I love the quote by Goethe : “know yourself, then you will know how to live”. I struggled to know how to live when I didn’t know myself…and the powerful words my AA friend said to me a while back resonate : “I hope in time you get to know and love Deborah as I do”…today I know that despite all my wounds and past pain basically I am a pretty valuable human being..
I read a lovely blog last night written by From A Spark To A Flame that quoted a reading from Ephesians which says something to the effect of how we are all God’s masterpieces.. I believe that to be true.. its only the negative deflated ego that tells us we are a pile of pooh or worthless. When ever my inner critic says in therapy that I am ‘pond scum’ my therapist Kat always says : “well Deb, there is a lot of life in pond scum”. When I reject my dark side or my compost I reject the regenerative part of me.. when I bring it all into the light I can allow it to be used as fuel for the new seeds of self expression and emotional growth I wish to plant in my life.