I had a huge outburst of anger today.. It was at a boundary being over run again when I thought the person and I had agreed they would not put me under any more pressure.. I just saw red and let it rip…It was very hard then to de-escalate so Jasper and I went for a long walk on the wild bush path by the lake and listened to some favourite songs sitting by the water, then on the way home I just started to feel sad and full of grief and a soreness in my heart. I told the person their disrespect hurts me and its like I keep giving them permission to allow them to keep pushing by collapsing when my abandonment fear gets activated.. and then since the seem to be offering promises I feel I will end off worse off. The alternative means being alone and abandonment to me but if I abandon myself I am going to be far worse off and I am an adult now not a child who longs for the parents who never saw or got them and their true needs.
Good as it was to hear that my nephew is working out lately, I was also a little sad, I like some exercise but when I see how hard some of my family push themselves exercise wise I get a little worried, exercise cannot take the place of feeling though I know my feelings move more freely when I move my body well… Part of my long range PTSD problem involves going into lockdown after sucking something up then feeling not just anger but RAGE which is bad for my body and heart. I really need to start talking to my inner child more when these kind of triggers start up to ask what she needs but if she likes the person she basically wants to do anything to stay close.
Anyway today is the first day we managed our walk before lunch…and it was a longer one.. I want to make sure I am walking more but I also need to be sitting with my feelings in a healthier more contained way. they get buried so far down and manifest as symptoms in my head heart and gut which at times overwhelm me and make me feel sick or intense overload and anxiety. Being unmediated as a child is such a terrible conundrum.. people with borderline wounds struggle so much to express their true experience of abuse, negation, past experience and need to depend even in therapy and learning to contain our painful feelings is not something we can just pass off to others, outside of therapy…that said we are all human and do the best we can at the time with what we were given as children.