I am feeling my energy a little more freed up over the past 24 hours.. I expressed my needs to someone clearly and that helped me, but there has been a lot to get through today.. and I seem to be constantly tidying up at my place lately…there is stuff everywhere and I cant help calling to mind an expression two friends of mine have shared with me over past years “the more possessions, the more possessed”, may be a part of having lived in this house for 9 years now I have just accumulated not only my own things but those of my mother and sister who died.. I have been letting go of some of them over the past little while but some of them are harder to let go of.
Anyway dinner is in the oven, Jasper is fed, ironing is done, fridge is sorted out and washing up done so I can settle in for the evening now and relax a bit… well it occurred to me that the past few evenings I haven’t had a spin attack and that is good.. I think of my Mum and Nana and Great Great Grandfather a lot at this time of night.. I think of how my GGG used to come home in a rage and set things flying I think of the times Mum would get into a whirlwind but it wasn’t all of the time.. I think of the times I just felt so alone when I moved away to Sydney after Dad died and of how I tried to make a home in a group share house that was not that homely.. Now I count myself blessed I have my own home and even if parts of it are in need of repair, soon when my inheritance gets sorted I will be able to deal with getting things fixed…and most of all tonight I feel at home within myself.. and stronger than a few days ago.
I have a postcard I picked up many years ago propped up close to the Botanical illustration of the Bergamot plant I was given as a going away present from the Cambridge Botanic Garden where I worked from 1999 to 2001 which says Bloom Where You Are Planted. It’s a reminder to me to water my own soil and to be grateful for the resources at my disposal or the gifts I have close by, a lovely lakeside spot where I can walk Jasper or just sit in the car alongside other ‘social distancers’ seeking refuge and a touch of nature in the afternoon… Today I had my afternoon phone therapy session down there on Bluetooth with Kat and it went well. I cried a lot reading out Jonathan’s email, the one that I received on Tuesday evening.. as well as my response. She said she felt my words showed maturity and kindness and I felt the softness as I was writing it and reading it out.. I felt the love within the hurt and ache for what we both went through prior to me dealing with past trauam..
I have a feeling that my ex husband must miss Australia as things are so hard in the UK. I had thought this week that if I could help him in any way when my inheritance comes through I would be happy to do it, after all when we met I was struggling in early sobriety and stopped working as much in order to focus on my recovery he always supported me.. then when we separated I sustained that terrible head injury that made it difficult to work and when moving back to Canberra it was a full time job being their for family and trying to come to terms with my last abusive relationship, but I still feel some indebtedness to my ex even if he could not validate fully my need for emotional healing or therapy..
I am learning to look for the blessings in life.. I see, that at times I carry great hurt and suspicion and sometimes its not easy to read others and I assume the worst but lately old friends have been lovingly reaching out to me and that has given my so much comfort.. A friend messaged me last night to see how I was and we were sharing about her daughter’s upcoming birth of her first child.. it was such a lovely conversation and uplifted me so much.. Just to know someone cared enough to reach out to me and we even spoke about this…
I even called my brother this afternoon… He had said he was going to call me to congratulate me on the settlement of the townhouse.. I am learning to give what I want and just realise he is not capable of calling unless it is about a financial matter… Its okay.. We ended up discussing Bird’s Eye fish fillets and the fact he is undergoing testing for adult onset diabetes.. I felt okay when I got off the phone even though when I tried to speak to him about all the trauma I had had to help Mum, Sue and Judy through from 2011 to 2019 he just didn’t seem to respond, as the older brother its not on his radar, he just kept distance.
My week is ending on a far better note than it started. I got down to the fruit, vegetable and fish markets after my therapy call so am just going to tuck into a marinated Salmon fillet with roast sweet potatoes.. I count my blessings tonight… I really really do, there is a lot to be grateful for and I feel in some way that email arriving right now was meant to be.. It occurs to me that Jonathan will be grieving my mother too, they loved each other and she was a support to him at a time of need… there are things I would change looking back but they were not meant to work out, in the end it takes time to accept that our will is not always in control.