It’s never easy seeing the cancer surgeon…. as she probes my breasts in the sore spaces the fear of more cancer arises and lying supine brings back all those memories of being flat on my back in ambulances badly smashed up or close to death…. but I got through it by not allowing myself to keep entertaining too much fear or get too lost in negative thoughts and disaster thinking.
The more disorienting thing last night was receiving an email from my ex husband who I have not heard from in over 10 years now.. He somehow found out that my mother had died 2 and a half years ago and was reaching out.. He and Mum got along so well as they were both alike, Mum supported his first business venture, a gardening/landscape business back in 1994 and he had a troubled relationship with his own mother who could never provide him with much support, the sad thing though, was when it came to emotional matters support was often missing for both of us.. I must say I had fits of remorse last night after reading and replying to his email.. I just told him that Mum loved him a lot and spoke of him so often, but I also felt the sadness that they so often shared things behind my back that I was not told of until many years later..
It’s all okay, things did not work out for us and I played a big part in it too. This morning I just stood in the shower praying to the angels that both our hearts be cleansed in forgiveness.. A marriage ending is tough, that ending nearly broke me for so many years and it landed me back in all of my unresolved grief and neglect that I am still working through 16 years later.
Its a relief to have the cancer surgeon visit behind me, I will be brave this time and book in for my mammogram and ultra sound in two weeks time.. I need to know that I am okay and that all the recent stresses have not taken too much of a toll on my body..which at times gets riven by these attacks. I need to find a better way to manage them by getting my body moving more as I noticed that lately I am going into a lot of lock down and spiralling, its par for the course with my impacted multi level trauma condition but to be enduring bleeding noses and the degree of pressure I have been feeling to burst through as been particularly frightening and intense over the past two weeks. I figure a lot is happening with both Uranus and Pluto at the moment both transformative energies encouraging deeper insight into past issues as well as shedding and letting go.
I just called my nephew for his 44th birthday… I love the kind of relationship and understanding we share.. He is an artist and sees himself as the black sheep of his family but lately he is starting to work out with his younger brother and make more meaningful connections with the other two, so maybe he will not have to continue to carry that role. I can talk freely to him of how I struggle to connect with my two remaining siblings and he totally understands… it seems his father carried a lot of damage from his own father, just as my Mum carried a lot of damage from her Mum and the emotional disconnection theme runs along both strands of family. I am only lately seeing more how I carried my mother’s woundedness and am grateful for the sensitivity I got from Dad’s side…though I now understand how much damage I suffered at Dad’s hands too from his degree of emotional distance and failure to attune and empathise, punishing me instead…
Life is a journey of growth and evolution as I see it, there is a path our soul has to travel down and mine has been particularly rocky and stony… its more marked on the grey wintry days how alone I can be, but I have the growing sense that such aloneness is only part of the story….I have special people in my life I can connect with on a far less superficial level than with certain family members, and I am slowly coming to accept those relationships for what they are. Sadly just because we are members of the family it does not mean we will or can travel down similar paths and often our paths diverge as we individuate… that said, sharing a common history will always link us in some way, and even with my ex husband, he remains a huge part of my soul. Those 11 years we shared have some beautiful memories and I know for a short time we knew love and happiness before things came so badly unstuck when we made the decision to move back to Australia..
My inner guidance and angels continually tell me everything is working out as it should and that my inner critic often does not speak the truth and gets to be a bloody pain in the arse at times..they also encourage me to keep reaching for the love… for its only through the eyes of love that things we endure in life assume a deeper meaning and a kinder shape, one that allows a place for human ignorance, mistakes, growth, imperfection and foibles….as well as individual difference. Jesus said it well when he said the words “let he who is without sin, cast the first stone” and “first remove the speck from your own eye before you criticise the one in your brother (or sister’s eye).” Compassion goes a long way to easing attack thoughts that only lead us into further deeper soul disturbance and pain.