Out of synch

I am having one of those weeks where everything just feels out of sync.. I am noticing with Scott that he is upsetting me more than making me feel at peace lately. I got badly destabilised by a gif he sent me late at night on Monday of a guy from the Office shouting at a girl how much he loves her, according to Scott this is a testament to his love, well before I received it I was feeling so calm, happy and at peace but as soon as it arrived my body went haywire and the next day he seemed offended when I told him how much it had disturbed my energy body….and that hurt me even more.. its a red flag for me of some kind of narcissism.. It may seem like a little thing but the way he tried to blow off my feelings made me even angrier, add to this my sister texted before even consulting me to let me know she had made an appointment to see an accountant my brother wants us to see about Mums estate at 1 pm on Friday and at that moment I was actually really low and had been crying over the way the week was feeling…. so I just texted this back “No, I cannot do this any more it hurts too much.” I then went into a head spin and had to call a friend in the fellowship as my therapist was not replying and earlier that morning my angels had guided me to read some paragraphs on boundaries in the book by Cloud and Townsend… It has not been easy for me to tell my sister things hurt and how tired I get of money being the primary way we all connect.. its either over money or food…

Today after being upset even about not going through with this I did call my sister to talk about it and express how I feel. My AA friend had said that if it was too painful and I felt I may have a meltdown I could say just that and ask them to handle it for me. He also said that I do have some part in the way others react to me…which I can understand, in my family we are just so often on very different wavelengths and I know I am not alone in this, just because families are blood does not necessarily mean that we will be close…the long shot is I will go tomorrow as there are some things that need to be set up pending the disbursement of funds which will happen over a long period, and it came to me that I cannot just opt out of everything… but eventually I would like to be able to handle affairs in my own way and not feel pressured to use who the family use. That said just going off on my own tangent may not be the right thing to do either.. there is obviously a lot of underground emotions associated with this money issue and I cannot always let feelings in the way of reason.. I see that today.

Sadly I had yet another upset with Scott today when I told him I was feeling very low.. We had an exchange about suicide and he told me he believes its ‘a sin against God’. This kind of shit really burns me.. I don’t think God judges those who, having gone through horrendous pain choose to take their lives and not everyone gets the support to move through feelings of utter devestation… I had to cut the conversation again as I started to feel sick in the tummy…. he is putting more pressure on me to help with this final money and I see him as asking for it as even more of a ‘sin’ as in the Townsend book it speaks of how, making others responsible for things we should be responsible for is even more of a ‘sin’ than being true to your own needs and feelings.. I heard once that the Hillsong Church in Australia were actually shaming people with depression at one point, trying to say it showed their distance from God… the truth is that people need help to move through painful feelings associated with past abuse or neglect.. shaming someone for depression just seems like a big sin to me, to be honest.

I got myself out after this altercation with Scott.. I just needed the fresh air as we have had two days of non stop rain and I have been getting cabin fever….feel a bit better for having eaten something. I seem to be getting a better sense these days of things that don’t sit well with me and not over-riding how I feel intuitively as much as I used to.. At times it feels scary to own my feelings.. the threat of being alone if I don’t go along or agree with others still makes me feel at times as if I will not have any solid ground to stand on…but the truth is that the reverse situation of not honouring myself means I will end up feeling more depression from self abandonment in the long run, that is my old pattern and I can see how self destructive it is.. I have been angry for a long time at the pressure Scott put me under to help and he managed to pull me in again in February to help him again against my better judgement only to have it stopped again.. That really shows me life and the Universe is trying to tell me something (an my angels said what he has done is not right)… I don’t want to push on with something that is so hard, feels wrong, and ends up causing me so much pain…I truly don’t believe life is meant to me this upsetting if you are following your natural flow of growth.. He always says ‘difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations”.at the moment I am not so sure, and I would rather follow my own guidance than religious edicts about wrong and right… surely my soul, instincts, intuition and body knows what is and is not good for me.