Don’t let them silence your grief : two sides of one coin.

I guess we all have our favourites fellow bloggers on WordPress, over the 6 years I have been blogging a lot of bloggers have come and gone and I have had critical support at the necessary times.. but today I would just love to honour a fellow blogger very dear to my heart. Gary of Bereaved Single Parent. I hope Gary doesn’t mind me posting this but if my blog brings one thing to others, I would say the most important message I need to get across is that it is natural to feel feelings of love in grief and to surrender to those feelings, and yes, even feelings of anger and hate or resentment which may all be a part of grief… I read this from Gary yesterday and thought it was such a wonderful intensely personal study of grief.

I will not labour the point too much in my blog today. Suffice to say that its not unusual on Good Friday to wake up to rain or have rain fall at some time during the day.. Our rain was torrential last night and it has freshened and enlivened all of nature around us, I just rode home via the winding path that follows our lake and relished in the nature.. I was thinking too this morning of my sister and how grateful I am that when she died in 2014 my grief was finally becoming accessible to me.

I can’t recall the exact number of innane or frankly stupid comments me and my Mum received when Judy died, people implying it was a relief for her to be free of suffering, maybe true but not really what you need to hear when you have lost a daughter who had such a tragic life.. My Mum lost her own husband and mother within a few years of each other, she was no stranger to loss but never got to grieve the father she lost to war injuries in 1931 at the age of 7 that grief went mute, as did mine over my own father and my poppa who died when I was only one.

When Jude died we got to grieve together… My other sister was taken into psychiatric care on the morning of her funeral and did not get to attend so it was a healing opportunity to be invited to a memorial service at the hospital where Judith died for those passing in the 3 months prior in July 2014.. My sister was medicated so could not cry, but I was able to and so was my Mum, most of all we were able to be together and share the sorrow something that never happened after Dad died.. I was given a plant at that service which has now grown into an enormous bush and is planted close to my drive way.

Today my sister and I will go to the stations of the cross service at 3 pm.. Its always fitting to me that the sky cries on the day of Jesus death… I have another post I want to write about Jesus and the feminine side of God which made him so close to the two Mary’s. Some of the most comforting words in the New Testament to me are these : “And Jesus wept”…..its human for us to grieve and acknowledge loss, the failure to do so may mean some of us stay trapped in paralysis or bitterness or the suffering goes deep into our cell tissue… I have seen the uncried tears of others cause them physical pain or illness and witnessed the same happen to me when others have reacted in anger or contempt when I have been sad..

Jesus’s death on the cross is not the final word though, he rises again and it is Mary he appears to first.. In Glastonbury where I spent 3 months in 2005 following the terrible head injury I sustained on the first anniversary of my separation an dafter being exiled for being ‘too sad’ by the family I was lodging with, I often sat in the Chalice Wells Gardens or Magdalene Chapel and saw visions of the two Marys lovingly tending the body of the crucified Christ… I now see that at that time in a state of intense abandonment, I began to open up to the loss that had been dogging me unconsciously in addiction and then got played out when Jonathan finally decided to leave me and not support my healing journey in June 2004.

I cannot help but feel we need these kinds of examples and containers which make meaning of our suffering.. Surely suffering and grief is not the last word, for we will meet again, and since Mum died in 2017 I feel her so close, having accepted it was her time… My Dad who died in January 1985 often used to say “its written up there when you come into this life, and when you go out of it”.. He also said to Mum so many times before cancer took him “just remember, life is for the living, and life goes on.”

Today I am grateful to be in life.. I am grateful for the rain, I am grateful to good blogging friend like Gary who make me feel like less of an exile.. And my advice, if you are grieving or seeing others is this P L E A S E let them have their process what ever it is.. Grief is not an illness, its not a sign of madness, it’s just a natural response of the soul to acknowledging a depth of love and connection through processing letting go and moving on. When we block these all too natural reactions to death or tragedy we block life’s healing energy. Death and love are are just two sides of one coin really and in the end we cannot stop the flow of the river… we will only end up crippled and exhausted as long as we do. And grief not fully acknowledged can, quite frankly turn psychotic and demonic.. just look at the reactions to 9/11 in 2001-3…. we need containers and rituals for grief… We need to acknowledge the passing so new life can be freed for our ongoing living and growth in soul, depth and consciousness.

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