The past few afternoons have been particularly intense around the time of my accident trauma.. I have felt like my head would burst off with the feelings, there has been rage and anger and fury about certain things and then when that breaks me open an avalanche of tears and grief that feels far bigger than my own body. I am only lately sensing it is collective or ancestral in some way.
I am trying to move through some old resentments about family members unconscious treatment of me.. As an addict in recovery I carry a lot of wounds and as a scapegoat identified individual whose will got deactivated and rechannelled through addictions while deeper longings and terrors were hidden I find we can easily become the targets.. We may seem to, in some way, carry the suffering of the collective.. And today I had an incident with the gardener who was very rude to me and all because he had not been honest with me before, after he walked away I had a terrible attack. I got a text apology this afternoon but my sense was he had made me a target for some of his own unspoken frustrations.
My sister kindly invited me around for afternoon tea this afternoon, but I was anxious before hand… she had some of Mum’s jewellery still to give me and in a little box was a badge with my father’s initial and surname J. Willemsen, when I asked her she said she thought it was Dad’s Rotary membership badge.. well did this start such a breakdown and so much grief, I really didn’t think my body was going to hold it.. and it occurred to me that the incident with the gardener earlier had triggered my father wound. he didn’t think it was worth his while just to come to my place for under an hour even though I was willing to pay him and I found myself almost pleading with him for the help….
I just felt I could not rely on my father. I could not make my needs known to him, I could not make him see me, I suffered so much at his hands and that was what hurt so much the wound and the longing for him to see and connect with me which explains at core why social distancing triggers me so much lately….
I just drove home with Jasper listening to Seal and crying so much, I thought of how easter being close, how much Jesus suffered at the hands of humanity and how much deep pain he must have endured on the cross, I don’t believe the Jesus died for my sins I believe he was put to death by unconscious forces and that is why on the cross he had to ask God to forgive those ‘who know not what they do.” Often we are on the receiving end of harsh treatment or judgement or misunderstanding we do not deserve… and when we reach out for help to be made to feel like a burden hurts…
I cannot really give a name or meaning to the pain of grief that has been opening up inside of me these past evenings, I can only associate it to Easter in some way… I think of my sister a lot, I think of her husband who struggled in the aftermath of the trauma she endured, I think of her sons who got exiled and were treated so harshly at the hands of the woman my brother in law abandoned my sister to be with.. I think of how the second boy went cap in hand to my brother asking for help a few short years before my sister died (not a hand out, just a job, some help) only to be told by his wife he would ‘have to start at the bottom.” I think of how my father would have turned in his grave to see his only son not helping the people who needed it.. If this sounds judgemental may be it is, I don’t know who knows what the purpose of it all was.. I just wish my sister could have, for at least those last years had at least one son and his wife and young family close.. but no : emotional/social distancing then prevented that… my brother’s wife having treated my broken sister as though she had leprosy…
Maybe I need to vent this stuff I carry right now, so if you have stuck with this post so far, I do thank you….. I know its not all mine to carry but sometimes my head and heart and body feels it will explode with the suffering and injustice I have at times seen in life.. and maybe only love will allow it all a place, after posting and re reading this I see it is my pain body taking me out of the moment… so maybe I am releasing, it who knows?. I just know something massive is afoot in the lead up to this Easter period and pray that a breakthrough comes as I know it so often does when I find the strength to bear with and release the pain and feelings that need to leave me.. Lately I never wanted more to feel the love that lies hidden in the heart of this.. to not find that would not be endurable for me in any possible way.. Love = forgiveness even at times through enduring lots of pain.. Maybe this at heart is the message of Easter that we can find rebirth through patience, forbearance and forgiveness.
Post script.. resolved things with the gardener by seeing things from his P.O.V this was obviously a trigger for older stuff… Feeling more at peace right now.