Lately I am getting far more insights into the way I held myself back from life with negative expectations at times, but also as an empath and someone who is pretty sensitive and picks up on a lot, there was a time that I felt the burden of the disconnection of the world from emotions and intuition just a little too strongly… Today I read through my old therapy journals and came across the following dream about my inner children being held in lock down.. this was around the time I decided to move back to Australia which was a regressive move really, as I now look back and yet there was also the desire not to continue the same social distancing pattern from my family and all of the years of trauma I had, at that point, not been able to face up to.. So just possibly, in some way, coming back at the end of 2001 was important and necessary but it always makes me sad to think of the life I left behind over it the UK and in the end my marriage broke down…
This was the dream and my reflections on it, especially in relation to how I used addiction to try to kill off the anti-life witch like voices and forces that so often cut me and my mother down in life.
yesterday and today I felt the sadness of loss and change.. after my cranio sacral treatment I feel more inside my body, feeling my pelvis and feet. I sensed that when I had the accident energetically I was chopped off at the knees and never felt at home on earth, or that earth was safe. I was lost in space revolving around the hollow core of myself seeking a way back home….
Later I sat under our beautiful Walnut tree and felt the earth, how it is like the feminine body for me so full of love….. By contrast last night’s dream was violent it concerned the acting out of a crime or murder in a play but the traces of violence were only visible as blood stained smears on a page relating to the violent incident that had taken place in my family. The paper in the dream bore witness to this violence and in the dream I decided to burn the pages.
Also in the dream there is a man present and at first he is helpful but then he turns nasty so I attack him before he has a chance to hurt me by hitting him over the head with a champagne bottle.
Later in therapy, Wendy suggests this is the way I coped with the hurtful driven masculine energy in my family, by using alcohol to deaden him, the problem being that the alcohol deadened everything else as well.
A few nights later I dream about a young man who has made a change of vocation but it does not go deep enough to really satisfy his soul….I tell him that I am trying to find my way out of a building, I climb stairs and come to pass a classroom where children are being held in stocks but I do not have the courage or time to set them free. In the dream the children were aged between 6 and 9 and it was at this age period perhaps that the life and joy and spontaneity went out of my life with Catholic school.
It became clear to me in considering all of the information from the dreams that my most important task is now to be aware of when my inner child is being clamped down, to have the courage to confront negative witch like critical repressive voices and forces that holds that life energy prisoner. This morning I was a bit headachy and out of sorts and I felt with the separation from Wendy (who was then on leave for a month) so much grief bubbling up to the surface..the last time with her I cried out the gratitude I feel to her for giving me a place to feel free to express all parts of myself without clamping down on me…
at this point in my journal I go back to the dream that prefigured my meeting with Wendy two years before ; in the dream I was on the run and reached a door which Wendy opened, dressed in a flowing robe into a garden flat where I can take refuge from the Nazi’s pursuing me (my father escaped Holland in 1938 just a short while before Nazi occupation), there was a sense that for a short time I passed through this room and out the other side via a garden
in therapy we spoke about how since Monday’s body work treatment I have been in my feet and legs after feeling for years how I floated several feet off the ground. We also spoke of how the garden in the dream represented my home and grounding place in therapy..
At this point my husband and I had made a decision to return to Australia and I had a lot of fear of tearing up this safe space I had made in therapy with Wendy.. Wendy told me that she believes all will be well, that I will be okay as long as I stay in touch with my true feelings and take steps to stay in tune an dsense when the undercurrent is dammed up, I can feel it in my body which longs for roots and earth but there is so much fear of going home.
It is important what ever happens that I stay close to my dreams and writing, writing is the one constant that has been with me throughout even the darkest and most addictive years, all the accidents loss and broken years .. Lately, I can feel for the damaged lonely girl I was then who suffered a lot and had no one to lean on and the sadness of the time in Switzerland where in the year after Dad died I fell pregnant, had a termination and was abandoned again by Heidi.
All that grief locked deep in my pelvis started to move after the recent body work, around this time I saw images of the hospital on the hill where I went for the day surgery and remembered how I had to find my way home alone waiting at a cold rainy bus stop when Heidi who was too drunk broke her promise to collect me.
In my journal I write : even though that girl does not live in me any more, in truth I will never entirely erase her experiences. Dark and painful as they are they form a part of who and what I am .. someone who could not care for her young feminine self, someone that was taught by parental neglect to have so little regard for herself and her feelings, someone who carried such a sense of shame for not knowing a better way to live. ThenI ask right now does it all really matter? The gift is that I can feel fully for myself now. Perhaps now I can close the door on Switzerland, leaving those experiences where they belong, in the past, yet part of me will take the memory of that desperately needy woman forwards with me into the future, knowing it is not a crime to need, that we all need, love, support, regard, care and comfort, protection and understanding.. Knowing it takes courage to fully face what it means to live a living death when we do not recognise that those needs DO matter and how desperately painful it is to become a famished ghost wandering, wondering ceaselessly longing to fill the empty cup which truly can only be filled once we learn to face and embrace everything in compassion. We must find the deep rooted desire to never again give our soul away.
Healing comes as I realise that until I can give this gift to myself and allow myself full uncensored expression, no on else can really make up for that loss… no one can understand what it means but me except possibly those who have walked a similar journey. And healing also comes when I know I am able to bear it all knowing now that all is really okay, whatever happens when I am able to accept it, if I can only be there for myself, promising resolutely never to abandon myself again.