Rocky

Yesterday was emotionally rocky. I felt unheard and unseen and would have been happier not to open up to someone (who encouraged it) only to be told they don’t understand me. Apparently I dwell in the past and this person wants to move on from theirs..okay dont ask me to open up about whats going on then. Mars approaching Saturn and Pluto isn’t an easy one when old stuff gets stirred up and with the current climate of fear and protection all around.

Another friend was sharing their pain over their sons illness…I was pleased to be there but at a certain point it stopped me doing some things I needed to do yesterday afternoon. Today I am grateful just to be in my own space. I have had cancer and seen my father die from it. Yes Chahir this is in the past but the loss doesn’t go away. Mostly I find peace with it all but this weekend old pain over not being held and making the sacrifice of things I loved to be there with others in unrecognised grief is stinging. I will move through this but not on any one else’s schedule. No one gets to dictate my process.

In the meantime would rather be alone with my feelings and pain as being negated hurts my body and traps feelings even deeper inside, it hit me so deeply yesterday. Therapy feels about the safest space for me right now and I’m working to recognise even deeper fears I experience around others. Had intense body pain this weekend in reaction to feeling angry and scared and disappointed.

I did peace and love meditation this morning after a dream in which I felt smothered when my brother showed me all the acknowledgement over the loss of Dad and his own emotional absence..that said I now remember the times he did try to reach out and I too was not fully open.

Bringing my energy into the here and now does take focus. I do get pulled upon by the past and the way my trauma body is wired. Sometimes I am in the spiral and sucked in..other times the energy of repressed life and spirit is strong and I am engaged and in the momeny….it”s truely birthing territory as well as dying / passing away territory. We live in the intersection of past and present. Present sometimes triggers past and associated resistances and fears and longings and it is for each of us to tune into guidance as to where to focus our energy while monitoring our reactions to feelings, fear or resiatance. Where to open and where to close.? When I am scared its harder to open at times…and sometimes when the past comes calling I just have to bless it and keep moving forward.

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