My emotions and energy seems to be spun all over the place at the moment, amidst ongoing news reports of Corona Virus and demands from all over the shop I feel once again like a small boat pieced together by tied up bits of stuff that may come to grief or be capsized at any moment. After having my usual spins where I feel my body expanding like the ocean swell, only to then be pulled down and in by thoughts of not feeling safe, while oscillating with other feelings of longing to reach out and trust, I am truly feeling some kind of new life old life birthing contraction pains right now.
This morning I couldn’t get eating or moving til well after 10 am, didn’t get Japer out, just took myself off to the shops to have a coffee and get a new watch as the old one has a jagged piece of wire coming out of it and it is catching on everything. However, as soon as I got in the car I just found myself bursting into tears for no reason at all… I got a lovely new book on angels this week called Angels In My Hair and I forgot to bring it inside last night and when I woke at 9 to see it lying on the outdoor table I also realised it had been raining during the night and the book too was all swollen up with fallen rain. Why didn’t my angels give me a heads up on that last night?… LOL 🙂
One thing is for sure though earlier in the year when we woke to red dark skies and smoke all around the very thought of verdant green grass growing again after inches of rain had fallen seemed such a distant and unlikely possibility. This just goes to show that out of dark times, new shoots can grow and the way we think things are or are going to be is often off the mark. Ultimately, we just do not really know how things are going to unfold and if we can it pays best to always make the very most of and attempts to live as fully as we can in the moment, instead of projections and thoughts about the said moment.
I seem to have had a week of being flooded by past feelings and memories this week but I am also realising the past is just that, the only way I empower it is with thoughts and I can have all kinds of different attitudes to my past and to the people in it.. Just read a very interesting post on forgiveness that highlights the understanding that forgiveness rests both on a choice we make as well as a way of seeing and dealing with feelings of betrayal, disappointment, resentment or pain inflicted upon us by circumstances and other people…
When undertaking a fourth step in AA we are always encouraged to see where in a certain resentment we feel our needs or expectations were thwarted.. Today I found myself on the floor in my bedroom after spinning and stretching realising that I didn’t get the guidance I needed at those essential times I needed it and just like my parents was thrown out in the world to fend for myself while carrying a hunger to connect but so often did not know just HOW to do that…and so connecting has been problematic.. Case in point.. yesterday I picked up the picture of my Dad I had framed for my nephew’s 40th and have still not managed to contact him to organise a time to take it round but then this afternoon I heard that due to Corona Virus his work have cancelled all of his business travel for two weeks so there will be plenty of opportunities to drop it around to him over the next few weeks.
At the moment I am just trying my best to stay out of black and white judging mind.. Things are going down where I am having to extend myself beyond old fears to trust that God has a plan for me that is working out regardless of whether or not I am privy to the exact trajectory of that said working out. Was praying extra hard to all of my angels today… to ride the unpredictable swell of these times…and not capsize….maybe it is the upcoming conjunction to Mars Pluto in 9 days working out causing this sense of such large forces around me, as well as so much being outside of my control…. there just seems to be so much that is unpredictable at present and my old ways of thinking aren’t seeming that useful to deal with it all. At the moment I am taking the attitude of praying to God and the angels to make my sense of fear less than my trust in the power of love to bring about good things in my life.. maybe if I let go and trust while taking action in the moment.. I will be able to ride the tide and not capsize in what, at the moment feel to be dangerously high seas.