Chahir is upset with me today.. Apparently yesterday he was joking about my weight and I took it seriously then cut off to go for a walk with Jasper. Today he told me I turned my face away from him, which on some level was true but sometimes there is so much to manage here and I have to get out and get going to feel some life moving through me…
I did all I could to apologise today.. I stood in the shower as my inner child cried out this ‘why does everyone end up leaving me, What did I do wrong?” At the same time I think Chahir was texting me to say he felt abandoned.. Did I abandon him and then make an excuse for doing it? Gosh life is complex.
I just know I have a lot of pain over absence and separation with others but when I tune in to connect to the core of my heart it disappears. Deep inside that space I hear my higher power telling me I do my best and that I ultimately have no control over what other people make of my actions…I honestly don’t mean to harm and I apologised and told him that… if he was here not miles away in Morocco none of this may be a problem but I am such an airy person I need freedom to move and breathe the air, being pinned down or held captive by anything, especially a demanding love would make me feel I was back once again in the crushed up car, fighting for my life, fighting to breathe.. Or maybe in that state a lover who really loved me would hold me as I cried it out, not like my ex who raged at me for it all.
This is my Pisces Chiron wound and today Mercury is very close to it. I looked yesterday and it backtracks to 28 degrees of Aquarius from the 7 to 11 or 12 of March and I think it goes direct on the 10th… So that will be opposing my Uranus which shows where I split off from feeling and try to take flight…Also fight with my Lion’s will to be me, since Uranus is in my chart placed in Leo in the first house.
I also got a text today from one of Dad’s relatives containing a very old photo of the family taken on the lawns of the house in Holland they grew up in.. Dad isn’t in it, but my Aunty Lies, who I came to know and love tenderly, is. I value this connection and hope to get to Holland next year some time to meet my relative Peter Vullings and his family…
Good things are happening in my life despite the rough and struggle, this much I know. I am slowly finding my way… Chahir won’t respond to the texts I sent apologising and trying to explain, but this is fair enough, things go so deep with him and into his heart and to long to be connected to your loved one and have them misunderstand and turn away hurts.. It makes me feel sad that I disconnected as I did yesterday when he felt he needed me but I did try to text him earlier and he was not free.
In the end I may not be able to give him what he needs and will feel all the sorrow that duties called me away for a time, from being present for him… And yet I always carry him and his love deep inside my heart and love him anyway… All I know is this… life is complex, relationships are complex and without forgiveness, sensitivity and compassion its not always easy to reconcile the conflicting expectations and longings that so often drive or end up dividing us.