Feeling free and alive : today’s reflections

My absolutely favourite place on a sunny day is walking via the parkland to a huge expanse of green oval where I run to my heart’s content with Jasper… Today the huge mower was cycling around us as we ran around playing and throwing the ball in the sun on the soft grass, feeling the cool fresh air on our skin and fur. Then and then I had this amazing feeling and thought “I am free and I am alive.” If you knew the many many years I felt dead and trapped inside my trauma, unable to eat or move or even make it out of the house, terrified to connect with those who would misunderstand or try to put me down, if you knew the pain I went through two times nearly dying it would make sense, but then, many of you who read this have undergone your own trials, challenges, accidents and deep pain too know to be human is TO FEEL AND NOT TO DENY HOW WE FEEL WHICH IS INHUMAN! And to be human is also to seek for ways to deal with and let go of past pain that repeats.

How many times have you been told that you just have suck up trauma or abuse or bad treatment? How many times have you been told you should just ‘get over it’, or ‘put it behind you’, while being shamed or shut down for trying to express the truth? If you think about it we wouldn’t tell someone with a broken ankle they need to stand on it before it heals, so why do we do this to people with Complex PTSD, anxiety or/and depression?

The truth is that this kind of advice comes from those who do not suffer. And yet there is no path through our trauma and pain without re-experiencing it while slowly developing the understanding that we are not trapped in it any more even though it will hold onto us as long as it needs too….

How each of us works with our individual karmic burden is up to us.. I was noticing on the Facebook Ascension Shift page that right now a lot of people are exhausted with trying to support aging family members, they may have had accidents or injuries and are not being helped by compensation and actively made to feel worse by this lack of support. The truth is that right now so many of us need support, but we also need to work to be active advocates for change and what is not working… It can get tiring which is why those free moments of play at the oval with Jasper give me so much.

After I got home and dropped my half full coffee cup while trying to sort leads and errant doggie bags after my walk with Jasper the words of one of my favourite Soul To Soul songs of the 1980’s came to me

Feeling free

Release your inhibitions

Go forward

Achieve your goals and ambitions.

For me my ambitions got drowned when family karma and struggling relatives needed help… I just had Chahir trying to tell me I need fattening up because I am so skinny.. I just disengaged but before I did I said to him. “I like how I am, I may not be as pretty as a few years ago when I had more weight but I lost a lot of it being there for sick family” he then told me he wanted to offend me on purpose.. So I just said “that’s a shit thing to do I am going to walk Jasper.” To which text I got the thumbs up symbol. To be honest it doesn’t upset me thought its out of order.. I just don’t need that sort of shit really, but neither do I want to take my looks to seriously.. what is the point, maybe it was a test to see how seriously I take myself, does it matter? Not really and no one has lived my life…Only I know what has gone on deep in the heart of me and in my family with all its complex dynamics.

All this said I am so grateful to be alive today.. Today I woke knowing my sister who was sick for so many years with anxiety and depression today flew free to attend a course at a beautiful spot in Byron Bay….And I realise I played a part in that by being there and encouraging her in her darkest moments… So no, at this point I don’t have to take shit from anyone. I just have to go free and take steps to tune into and follow my instincts to lead me towards the things that make me feel most alive.

Sometimes people try to imply that anxiety and depression are not real but they are struggles within our mind and in many ways this it true but for so many of us the ghosts and phantoms and negative pulls are very real and summon all our energy… In the end it is our capacity to hold on through the tough stuff and make necessary shifts in perspective that free our energy that matters most. In AA we say the miracle of healing comes with altered attitude or a shift of perspective and sometimes strangely this only occurs after we have descended to the darkest point or place. It is then we hear, the Easter music and decide to take that openhearted leap back into freedom and life.

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