A struggle : evening reflections

It was a relief to get to therapy this afternoon. I missed Monday due to the coast trip and reality gets skewed for me without that special containment Kat brings to me. She helps me to unscramble things and validates the truth of how hard I struggled in the family to try to make sense of things and keep connected. I took the wedding photo in and she also saw how sad my little girl looked standing on the steps of that huge church after being tortured at the hairdressers. My sister doesn’t have good memories of that day either. I also read out a card that my last therapist sent to me after Jonathan left in which she made good sense of the way my body struggles with rage and disappointment of being left alone emotionally and abandoned in my body most of the time. I realised today it was impossible for the adolescent or even adult me to make healthy decisions due to the neglect and mis attunement of my past which also set up a lot of emotional hunger and confusion inside.

I also read out a letter my ex partner wrote when he walked out on me saying my physical trauma symptoms were too difficult for him to make sense of and that the confusion affected him. It was an honest letter but he didnt make much of an effort to bridge the divide, after reading it I realized I could not verbalise a lot of old deep pain I used to feel when he was gone hours surfing or working which triggered old abandonment wounds. Sad to say it just didnt work and that was not my fault for carrying trauma and struggling without good therapy at that point. It wasn’t his either.

Kat said I have to work extra hard in the family to understand all the emotional ins and outs and that maybe my sisters son doesnt see how vulnerable I am. She said i get obliterated by them a lot of the time but its probably not deliberate.

I left therapy feeling I was standing on more solid ground than before it. I saw how I still blame myself at times for hurts caused and bear sadness for connections lost and yet Kat believes I handled the massive coast trip well. I cried buckets but I lived to tell the truth in the end. I didnt shirk anything I just took it into my heart. For that I am extremely grateful and to all those who follow my journey and support. A big thank you.

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