No one tells you as an empath and a child of emotional neglect how much pain you will feel, or all that you will absorb and the way you will sometimes be punished for it. I don’t want this to sound like a victim post but I am realising lately how much I have invalidated myself at times and how perceptive I always was, that said I am also seeing how I got the way to my emotional side blocked or barricaded off by being left alone so much.
Now that my one living sister is reaching out more and we went away together I feel how I get wounded at times by her busyness, that said we had some moments of connection and on the trip to the coast when so much pain opened up about how I left my ex husband all alone my sister held me while I cried and instead of turning away, I turned to her and really let myself be held.
I felt a bit wrong footed when we got to the coast house. Its where I lived after Jonathan (my ex husband) finally left in 2004 and suffered there a lot, but I also saw on this visit how old pain and grief that needed addressing was pulling on me, in that house Dad built so long ago by the ocean. I got into another relationship there in 2007 which eventually detonated so going back this time after a 8 year break I had to feel it all through and it was rough going at times. Add to this that we had a deluge of rain for the entire 3 days my sis and I were there. By some act of weird synchronicity the weather cleared on our last day but there was so much work to do clearing the place out and when I arrived I was hurt as all my things had been packed up by my nephews and the entire place taken over. That said, I had not taken action on clearing the last of my stuff and I dared not ask where it was I just went into the bedroom I used to use and my entire being went empty and cold. Later on my sister told me all my books and clothes and kitchenware left had been put into the outside store room and I should ring a removalist to get it. In no way did I believe they would come the next day but they did, as due to rain there they had work cancelled and I have just finished unpacking the four boxes and trying to find homes for many of the books on astrology, Jung and emotional abuse. I bought some books on abuse while going through all I did in the last partnership, that said I see how much of a child state I was caught up in. Not one book was ‘allowed’ to stay in the place, everything got moved to make way for kiddie stuff which is fair enough. I had left it there a long time, I wish they had asked before moving it.
Together with all of my stuff were my 2001 journals written in therapy in the UK and just after starting the psychological astrology course and they share a lot of very deep perceptions about how I struggled as an empath in lecture on addiction given by people obviously not in recovery. I also found a very touching letter which concerned the day I gave my resignation to the Botanic Garden supervisor and how my co Australian work colleague started to cry when she heard the news and in it I share how conflicted I feel about the decision to come home.
In the end coming back was not fair on my husband as I could not then commit to moving closer to family and he was put in the position of having to commute 3 days a week to Sydney from the coast and I left him at one point to go back to the UK for 6 months. I cried over all of this with my sister on Monday, I know I put him through a good deal but he would not support my therapy. I got through this by crying, saying the Serenity Prayer and trying my best to forgive myself, but I know it was not all on me.
In the end I stayed here for the next 16 years after he left. I made one attempt to go back to Cambridge again only to have that head injury and feel the need to come back to have support. So the fact that my sister and I are now trying to find ways to support each other is very important, though sometimes I still feel a bit over ridden or attacked as a sensitive and yet I also accept that what happened isn’t my families fault either. It just would have been nice to have been able to have the time to sort all of those things of mine in the holiday house, but when is life ever ideal?
I cannot really write more now. We are having a garage sale on Sunday to sell the rest of my Mum’s things that have not been given to family or friends. I have just been unpacking four boxes of things and have used the empty boxes to make signs to place around the neighbourhood. After a convo with my sis I ended up with thick black texta all over the leg of my jeans, typical of me when I get waylaid with my attention.
I feel more grounded now having taken the time to stop and write this. My place is a bit of a mess at the moment with stuff everywhere but its a creative mess. Slowly I am becoming more comfortable with the mess in myself and others, who in this world is perfect? Who has the monopoly on truth? That said there are those of us who see more deeply and suffer more, we struggle to be kind to ourselves and believe in ourselves and sometimes ask for less than we deserve and (as a result get over ridden or over looked) yet, there is also a state of gratitude that opens up a path to life and a force that steps forward to help us when we make that move to take action. My stuff arrived on time from the coast today with a ten minute warning to get home. The delivery man was a real sweetie and it only cost me 330 dollars to get it here, so I am grateful for a world in which people are only too willing to help if you ask.
As far as family go, perhaps I will never feel like I totally belong with all I have gone through. I will probably often feel shut aside or over looked that said the most important thing is that I honour and stay connected to myself. I also don’t want to give over control of a place my mother left equally to my sister and I simply because of painful memories. Is there a way we can share it and me still feel okay? Not sure of the answer yet. I will keep praying.