A huge ordeal

I went into the dark trauma zone again after yesterday’s tooth removal. It was such an ordeal but I breathed my way through the needles, they were pulling and rocking my head around for over 50 minutes trying to extract the deeply implanted tooth that had 3 roots. My face is still very swollen. When I got home I didn’t know how I was going to manage the pain or the fact that just as I find my feet something comes along to try and knock me down again. I just lay on the kitchen floor crying to the depths of my soul yesterday afternoon, but I did manage to get Jasper out for a very quick run around the oval yesterday and then got some things for a soft dinner which was so hard to eat with that tooth missing and bleeding.

There is light though, My sister has been amazing and contacting me all the time, I am crying while writing this. Its with a kind of relief I can now love my sister, despite our struggles in the past. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped without her support even though I could only cry in pain through a couple of our conversations.

Chahir was absolutely no support at all. When I message him to say I was in pain he didn’t even reply. I could gloss it over but it hurt me a lot.

Anyway today was tough going too but I managed a lovely walk to the lake with Jasper and that cheered me up then we went to the arcade café for a coffee and I broke a water glass. I got some supplies for dinner and I have it in the oven now. I told myself when I got home I do not need to rush to eat, I am trying to temper myself more these days and practice self soothing. It seemed to work even when I was feeling last night and today I absolutely cannot cope with more of this kind of pain, I really was at my limit, that said something carries me through. That brief 40 minutes in nature walking and then sitting by the weeping willows helped me.

Sometimes I continue to blame myself for all of this. I think that maybe if I did not rush off overseas and sustain a head injury a year after losing Jonathan I never would have had to go through all of this with my teeth now. But then I realise I would have had to be a different person not to make that choice and I feared relying and asking for help. I still do. Its very hard for me to admit my vulnerable side and sometimes I fear that marks me out as a passive aggressive narcissist. Not always being able to ask for things directly and fully own my vulnerabilities, but then I am probably being a bit too tough on myself. My left cheek is still swollen up like a balloon. I try not to exercise worrying thoughts. I wasn’t given any antibiotics so I hope its not infected, I had to have one suture which the dentist said will drop out in time

So that is where tonight finds me, a bit sore and sorry but alive and grateful for a nice summer evening. Somehow I survived yet another blow or Saturnian experience and am still alive to speak of it even though today life felt so very, very dark again.

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